1. I woke up this morning, showered, moseyed into the kitchen for water & noticed the kitchen candle I lit to remove the smell of burnt bacon had been lit all night. Why I shouldn't live by myself: I not only almost burn my apt down whilst makin' bacon, I also sleep with a candle burning all night.
2. SO excited about babygirl Baggett :) Congrats, Nearza!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
& this one isn't exciting, either.
I'm waiting for my laundry to dry. That laundry room should be condemned. Terrifying.
Work is turning me into a paranoid-schizophrenic. Can I become friends with someone higher up or are they plotting against me? Will everything I say be twisted & misconstrued to make me look like a terrible person/employee? Who, exactly, can I trust? Am I still in middle school?
I can be just as sneaky. Don't worry. I'm just afraid of who I'm working for. This week has been full of changes & drama like you wouldn't believe. The higher-ups screwing over people. Some of the shadiest deals I've ever seen (& I watch A LOT of tv.) People are coniving. Trying to constantly get into your head. Seriously, I can't go into detail, but I wish I could explain this.
"Do not let work roll over into your LIFE."
That's good advice I'm having trouble taking. Seeing as I'm there, with the same people day in & day out, 40 hours a week. I see them more than I see anybody. I'm there more than I'm home. I talk to my customers more than I talk to my friends. It makes me wonder if I even really have a life anymore.
And also makes me wonder if this is worth it. Every paycheck I get is gone at least 2 days after I get it. I have a single digit amount of money to last me until the 1st. Is this worth it? When I could maybe be living at home, saving money, paying back my debts I can't pay because everything I have goes to my current bills... This is kinda like torture. I try to see it as a game. It makes the pre-paycheck days go by faster. Just another one of His tests. I can get through this. I just feel so helpless. Weak. I can't fail.
I miss how everything used to be. I hear children outside my door. I hope I don't drop my laundry basket on them.
Work is turning me into a paranoid-schizophrenic. Can I become friends with someone higher up or are they plotting against me? Will everything I say be twisted & misconstrued to make me look like a terrible person/employee? Who, exactly, can I trust? Am I still in middle school?
I can be just as sneaky. Don't worry. I'm just afraid of who I'm working for. This week has been full of changes & drama like you wouldn't believe. The higher-ups screwing over people. Some of the shadiest deals I've ever seen (& I watch A LOT of tv.) People are coniving. Trying to constantly get into your head. Seriously, I can't go into detail, but I wish I could explain this.
"Do not let work roll over into your LIFE."
That's good advice I'm having trouble taking. Seeing as I'm there, with the same people day in & day out, 40 hours a week. I see them more than I see anybody. I'm there more than I'm home. I talk to my customers more than I talk to my friends. It makes me wonder if I even really have a life anymore.
And also makes me wonder if this is worth it. Every paycheck I get is gone at least 2 days after I get it. I have a single digit amount of money to last me until the 1st. Is this worth it? When I could maybe be living at home, saving money, paying back my debts I can't pay because everything I have goes to my current bills... This is kinda like torture. I try to see it as a game. It makes the pre-paycheck days go by faster. Just another one of His tests. I can get through this. I just feel so helpless. Weak. I can't fail.
I miss how everything used to be. I hear children outside my door. I hope I don't drop my laundry basket on them.
Friday, August 7, 2009
pain.
This is something I go through all the time. I hurt for myself, yes, but in all honesty, I hurt for the people I love more than myself.
As terrible as this is about to sound, I'm willing to say it--I forget what has happened to me fairly often. On the anniversary of her death (I don't like using the word "anniversary" in this case, that seems too pleasing, but I don't feel like thesaurus.comming anything right now), the main reason I was upset whatsoever is that I felt like nobody remembered her. Sure, it shouldn't take a day like that for people to remember, but I get scared. I forget SO much, I can't handle other people forgetting her. I need my family to tell me stories about her. Things I wasn't there for, things I can't remember... I NEED that. Yes, I was 16 when I lost her. I should remember everything. I just can't remember what it was like with her. Nothing makes me more upset than that. All I could think about on the 5th was "I wonder if Dad remembers what today is? I wonder if Eric remembers what today is?" ... because that is one day I will never be able to forget. That is the ONE day I want to forget. That day more than her funeral, more than when I found out Granny died (which almost ties for 2nd because Lord knows how much I miss that woman. I won't even get into that), more than any other day in my whole entire life. That is the one day I want to be able to Back to the Future & fix. Fix how? I have no idea.
"... what if she could have just gotten past THAT day?" What if we could have survived that day? What if we could have gotten her to a better hospital? Was it too late already?
This is too much, I'm sorry I'm putting ya'll through this haha
So, what really brought this on was Amanda-- Do not ever, ever, ever think I'm stronger than you. We hurt the same. And I'm not as strong as I seem, trust me. Don't make my pain sound worse than yours. It is not, by any means. Your Grandaddy was someone you adore. Mary Pat's Patpaw was someone she adored. I love you both with all of my heart for having the strength you have because I know how it is. Pain is pain. I always pray that my friends never have to hurt, but it is an inevitable part of life. We have some badass guardian angels. We'll say they're all playing Spades & checkers & being very thankful we were blessed with friends to help us through things like this.
Can ya'll believe it's been 6 years since we were squeezing on the couch of the funeral home taking pictures?? That was so appropriate haha
I miss those two woman every single day. Every second of every day. I can't stop my life when I'm hurting. I'll see them again. I'm blessed to have gotten them for as long as I did.
As terrible as this is about to sound, I'm willing to say it--I forget what has happened to me fairly often. On the anniversary of her death (I don't like using the word "anniversary" in this case, that seems too pleasing, but I don't feel like thesaurus.comming anything right now), the main reason I was upset whatsoever is that I felt like nobody remembered her. Sure, it shouldn't take a day like that for people to remember, but I get scared. I forget SO much, I can't handle other people forgetting her. I need my family to tell me stories about her. Things I wasn't there for, things I can't remember... I NEED that. Yes, I was 16 when I lost her. I should remember everything. I just can't remember what it was like with her. Nothing makes me more upset than that. All I could think about on the 5th was "I wonder if Dad remembers what today is? I wonder if Eric remembers what today is?" ... because that is one day I will never be able to forget. That is the ONE day I want to forget. That day more than her funeral, more than when I found out Granny died (which almost ties for 2nd because Lord knows how much I miss that woman. I won't even get into that), more than any other day in my whole entire life. That is the one day I want to be able to Back to the Future & fix. Fix how? I have no idea.
"... what if she could have just gotten past THAT day?" What if we could have survived that day? What if we could have gotten her to a better hospital? Was it too late already?
This is too much, I'm sorry I'm putting ya'll through this haha
So, what really brought this on was Amanda-- Do not ever, ever, ever think I'm stronger than you. We hurt the same. And I'm not as strong as I seem, trust me. Don't make my pain sound worse than yours. It is not, by any means. Your Grandaddy was someone you adore. Mary Pat's Patpaw was someone she adored. I love you both with all of my heart for having the strength you have because I know how it is. Pain is pain. I always pray that my friends never have to hurt, but it is an inevitable part of life. We have some badass guardian angels. We'll say they're all playing Spades & checkers & being very thankful we were blessed with friends to help us through things like this.
Can ya'll believe it's been 6 years since we were squeezing on the couch of the funeral home taking pictures?? That was so appropriate haha
I miss those two woman every single day. Every second of every day. I can't stop my life when I'm hurting. I'll see them again. I'm blessed to have gotten them for as long as I did.
Monday, July 27, 2009
There wouldn't be a Swine Flu if we treated the pigs better.
New apt:
Coming together VERY slowly, but surely. I don't have things most apartments should definitely have, but everything will work itself out. I've never been so broke in my life either, but hell... livin' the dream, right? I FINALLY got cable & internet today (I know, I know) & I'm much more content now. I'm beginning week 2 here. Week one was all around rough. I cried a lot. I'm not sure why, but I did. I felt homesick, but that doesn't even make sense. I haven't had a steady place to live in a long time. I've been writing a lot more, trying to get things situated, trying to get right. I'm better now. I'm happy here :) Minus the noises. That's what I get for living in the homeless center of Clarksville.
Boys:
Just give me Caleb Followill for the love of all things holy.
Honestly, though, nothing is happening in this department. I still get crushes on the impossible. I guess there's some things I'll never grow out of.
Work:
Work has been amazing since last Monday because Jacquie has been on vacation. She'll be back next week. Get ready for me to be just as les mis as I was. She's just not a nice person & I hate that she makes me dislike something I otherwise really like doing.
I've had a couple rough patches recently, but I have overcome. I realize I'm far from being alone, no matter how much I feel like I am sometimes. Everybody feels that way on occasion. I'm finally pretty settled in here so I can start calming down on the stress factor. I've had long weeks, good weekends, & I've cried a lot. I have amazing friends, though, so I'm money.
This wasn't as fun as you probably hoped. My apologies.
Coming together VERY slowly, but surely. I don't have things most apartments should definitely have, but everything will work itself out. I've never been so broke in my life either, but hell... livin' the dream, right? I FINALLY got cable & internet today (I know, I know) & I'm much more content now. I'm beginning week 2 here. Week one was all around rough. I cried a lot. I'm not sure why, but I did. I felt homesick, but that doesn't even make sense. I haven't had a steady place to live in a long time. I've been writing a lot more, trying to get things situated, trying to get right. I'm better now. I'm happy here :) Minus the noises. That's what I get for living in the homeless center of Clarksville.
Boys:
Just give me Caleb Followill for the love of all things holy.
Honestly, though, nothing is happening in this department. I still get crushes on the impossible. I guess there's some things I'll never grow out of.
Work:
Work has been amazing since last Monday because Jacquie has been on vacation. She'll be back next week. Get ready for me to be just as les mis as I was. She's just not a nice person & I hate that she makes me dislike something I otherwise really like doing.
I've had a couple rough patches recently, but I have overcome. I realize I'm far from being alone, no matter how much I feel like I am sometimes. Everybody feels that way on occasion. I'm finally pretty settled in here so I can start calming down on the stress factor. I've had long weeks, good weekends, & I've cried a lot. I have amazing friends, though, so I'm money.
This wasn't as fun as you probably hoped. My apologies.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
breakdowns & pizza.
Minus my nervous breakdown yesterday, I had a pretty good weekend. Went to dinner/movie with Jessica on Friday night. Word to the wise, Bruno is just ridiculous. Ri-dic-u-lous.
Yesterday... I don't really know what happened to me. I had myself all hyped up to go to lunch/pool right after work with Dad, come home, get ready for Jazz, go to Jazz, etc. Rain ruined almost all of those plans. That wasn't technically what got me. Sure, it put me in a bad mood, but for some reason everything came to a head after work. I won't go into details, but I think I went crazy for about 2 hours. Absolutely crazy. Not exaggerating. Well, maybe I am a little. I just cried a lot for no reason... & I am NOT a crier. I wrote down all my confessions, thinking that would make me feel better. It actually just made it worse--seeing every stupid, wrong thing I've done on one sheet of paper. It was an intense meltdown I had. But, then again, knowing that I'm not that person anymore put me at ease. I'm not that person at all anymore. I wasn't a fan of her. I'm more content with who I am. Way more comfortable with myself. Still confused, still sort of pathetic, but more comfortable.
When I would get the "What are you doing tonight?" text, I would respond in an ever-dramatic fashion with "nothing... drinking by myself." (which I was?) & I would continue drinking by myself. Luckily, Mary Pat got me out of my self-loathing & I went to her boy's house & watched movies. I was drunk when I got there & continued to be the only drunk one out of the 6 of us, but it happens haha. The boys made us breakfast this morning which, of course, got the remainder of the worries out of my head. Nothing helps like bacon.
So, I'm fine now. I've been watching Gossip Girl, doing laundry & eating pizza since I got home. I'm attempting to start packing, kinda... more like getting things ready to start packing. Pre-packing, if you will. I hate moving. I can't wait to, though.
I literally have 4 plates, 2 bowls, a few cups & no cutlery. This is going to be hilarious.
Yesterday... I don't really know what happened to me. I had myself all hyped up to go to lunch/pool right after work with Dad, come home, get ready for Jazz, go to Jazz, etc. Rain ruined almost all of those plans. That wasn't technically what got me. Sure, it put me in a bad mood, but for some reason everything came to a head after work. I won't go into details, but I think I went crazy for about 2 hours. Absolutely crazy. Not exaggerating. Well, maybe I am a little. I just cried a lot for no reason... & I am NOT a crier. I wrote down all my confessions, thinking that would make me feel better. It actually just made it worse--seeing every stupid, wrong thing I've done on one sheet of paper. It was an intense meltdown I had. But, then again, knowing that I'm not that person anymore put me at ease. I'm not that person at all anymore. I wasn't a fan of her. I'm more content with who I am. Way more comfortable with myself. Still confused, still sort of pathetic, but more comfortable.
When I would get the "What are you doing tonight?" text, I would respond in an ever-dramatic fashion with "nothing... drinking by myself." (which I was?) & I would continue drinking by myself. Luckily, Mary Pat got me out of my self-loathing & I went to her boy's house & watched movies. I was drunk when I got there & continued to be the only drunk one out of the 6 of us, but it happens haha. The boys made us breakfast this morning which, of course, got the remainder of the worries out of my head. Nothing helps like bacon.
So, I'm fine now. I've been watching Gossip Girl, doing laundry & eating pizza since I got home. I'm attempting to start packing, kinda... more like getting things ready to start packing. Pre-packing, if you will. I hate moving. I can't wait to, though.
I literally have 4 plates, 2 bowls, a few cups & no cutlery. This is going to be hilarious.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
July.
I'm a horrible blogger.
I have so much on my mind 100% of the time. I just find it so difficult lately where to even begin putting things in order. I'm stressed to high heaven, but I'm ridiculously calm about everything. I move to a new apartment in about 11 days. I have yet to begin packing. My money is so slim because of the fact that I am having to pay for 2 apartments right now (side note: if you or anyone you know needs a house cleaner/animal sitter/baby sitter/wanna pay Maggie to do anything--I'm your man) & nothing stresses me out more than money. That is why I am not going to say anything else about it.
I miss cable. I've been without television for a little over a month now. Thank God for John Harris, the sweet prince who got me every season of the Simpsons on DVD for my 21st birthday. I'm thanking him even more now than I did when he gave them to me.
My 4th of July was wonderful. Different, full of bad weather, people I've missed, no fireworks, & Michael Jackson. It was mainly so great because I got to hangout with Lo & I haven't even seen her in weeks. When I got home this afternoon, I stuck in The Simpsons & laid my head down for a quick power nap. Yep, I slept for about 4 hours. Shoot.
I currently have a dozen roses & a precious teddy bear hanging out in my room right now. There are way more cons than pros about this. He's a sweet guy, I just don't think I could put someone through the trials that are my life when he's 3 hours away. & I think Eric would kill himself if he had to come back to Clarksville again just because of that haha. I'm a very confused, strange, ridiculous creature. I'm busy. I'm unconfident and very all-over-the-place. I need to focus on myself at this time in my life. I don't like to use the word "selfish", but in a way I am right now. I know what I want & I know what I don't want. I need a lot of improvment before I bring somebody else into the picture. Plus, I think I have some chemical inbalance that keeps me from wanting people who want me.
Tomorrow I intend on downsizing after work. Goodwill will be getting more clothes than they probably want or need. Maybe I'll find some hidden treasures to pawn while I'm on my journey haha
I cannot WAIT to be in my new apartment. I'm ready to fully focus on bettering every aspect of my life. I'm tired of having gone out of my way & being disrespected so many times.
I have so much on my mind 100% of the time. I just find it so difficult lately where to even begin putting things in order. I'm stressed to high heaven, but I'm ridiculously calm about everything. I move to a new apartment in about 11 days. I have yet to begin packing. My money is so slim because of the fact that I am having to pay for 2 apartments right now (side note: if you or anyone you know needs a house cleaner/animal sitter/baby sitter/wanna pay Maggie to do anything--I'm your man) & nothing stresses me out more than money. That is why I am not going to say anything else about it.
I miss cable. I've been without television for a little over a month now. Thank God for John Harris, the sweet prince who got me every season of the Simpsons on DVD for my 21st birthday. I'm thanking him even more now than I did when he gave them to me.
My 4th of July was wonderful. Different, full of bad weather, people I've missed, no fireworks, & Michael Jackson. It was mainly so great because I got to hangout with Lo & I haven't even seen her in weeks. When I got home this afternoon, I stuck in The Simpsons & laid my head down for a quick power nap. Yep, I slept for about 4 hours. Shoot.
I currently have a dozen roses & a precious teddy bear hanging out in my room right now. There are way more cons than pros about this. He's a sweet guy, I just don't think I could put someone through the trials that are my life when he's 3 hours away. & I think Eric would kill himself if he had to come back to Clarksville again just because of that haha. I'm a very confused, strange, ridiculous creature. I'm busy. I'm unconfident and very all-over-the-place. I need to focus on myself at this time in my life. I don't like to use the word "selfish", but in a way I am right now. I know what I want & I know what I don't want. I need a lot of improvment before I bring somebody else into the picture. Plus, I think I have some chemical inbalance that keeps me from wanting people who want me.
Tomorrow I intend on downsizing after work. Goodwill will be getting more clothes than they probably want or need. Maybe I'll find some hidden treasures to pawn while I'm on my journey haha
I cannot WAIT to be in my new apartment. I'm ready to fully focus on bettering every aspect of my life. I'm tired of having gone out of my way & being disrespected so many times.
Monday, June 8, 2009
I got mine.
I had quite the day. Work was slow, but good. Just a good day. We've been having a few problems as a "team" I guess you could say. Bottom line-- we are around one another for 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. WAY more than I'm around anybody else I know. We had some issues (not so much me, but everybody seemed to work everything out), got past them & had a great day together. I adore my job & it was seriously breaking my heart that one aspect of it was keeping me from being totally happy. I was happy today. I like being happy.
Next week, I will be putting a deposit down on my new apartment... where I will live by myself. There's just something so final about that. It makes me feel even more grown than I already do. I'm excited about living by myself, honestly. I'm nervous about the bills, but I'm ready to be totally on my own. Not that having a rooommate doesn't mean I'm on my own, but you know what I mean. This will be ME. Me, living by myself, paying everything on my own, not having a soul to come home to. Just me & me, hanging out. Maybe I should invest in a videogame console. I'll be in the same apartment "complex" as Cale used to live in(I say "complex" because it's an old white house in the middle of downtown that was converted into 6 apartments), so I know what to expect in the set-up (I think). Not much more expensive than I'm paying now & it's seriously about 2 seconds down the road. I made it a point that I did not want to leave downtown. I just like living in this area. I don't really know why.
Also, telling people that I'm about to move into a new apartment totally on my own is kind of... sad. Like I wasn't already coming home to an empty apartment every single day/night... this just makes it more certain. I'm the only single person at work. Even the new part time girl we're getting who is my age is married. I guess I just didn't see myself at 22 with a good job & absolutely no love life. Oh well. I will never forget Mom saying "be able to provide for yourself... take care of yourself before you get involved with anybody else". This is me doing that, Mom. Not so much willingly haha.
After work, I met up with an "old flame" at the Deli for a couple hours. Random, yes, but so nice just to talk again. It took a few years for us to get to this point, but I'm glad we reached it. As I told him earlier today when he mentioned hanging out & talking, I said "Yes, we used to have a good time together when we weren't fighting" (which was a majority of the time). And we didn't talk about anything that passed between us at all, really. We just talked. About our jobs, his family, how much we've changed, how nice this was. It was so nice. It was a good change of pace from my normal after-work routine, too. He's been through a lot recently. Sometimes it takes a lot for us to realize who knows us best & who can help us the most. I'll always care the world for him, no matter how bad he hurt me. That was years ago. I was very content with today.
On a totally different note (not about the person above at all)... it's so hard just not knowing how you feel about somebody. I've always been SO sure about my feelings. What's been going on between him & me recently is just so strange that I cannot wrap my head around it. It's been one of those things that's been so pushed back in my mind for so long that I have no idea if I should ignore everything or lay it out on the table. Meh.
I'm finishing Breaking Dawn tonight. I'm going to Memphis this weekend to hangout with my brother. I need to get away & I wanna see him. Two very good reasons to leave.
Next week, I will be putting a deposit down on my new apartment... where I will live by myself. There's just something so final about that. It makes me feel even more grown than I already do. I'm excited about living by myself, honestly. I'm nervous about the bills, but I'm ready to be totally on my own. Not that having a rooommate doesn't mean I'm on my own, but you know what I mean. This will be ME. Me, living by myself, paying everything on my own, not having a soul to come home to. Just me & me, hanging out. Maybe I should invest in a videogame console. I'll be in the same apartment "complex" as Cale used to live in(I say "complex" because it's an old white house in the middle of downtown that was converted into 6 apartments), so I know what to expect in the set-up (I think). Not much more expensive than I'm paying now & it's seriously about 2 seconds down the road. I made it a point that I did not want to leave downtown. I just like living in this area. I don't really know why.
Also, telling people that I'm about to move into a new apartment totally on my own is kind of... sad. Like I wasn't already coming home to an empty apartment every single day/night... this just makes it more certain. I'm the only single person at work. Even the new part time girl we're getting who is my age is married. I guess I just didn't see myself at 22 with a good job & absolutely no love life. Oh well. I will never forget Mom saying "be able to provide for yourself... take care of yourself before you get involved with anybody else". This is me doing that, Mom. Not so much willingly haha.
After work, I met up with an "old flame" at the Deli for a couple hours. Random, yes, but so nice just to talk again. It took a few years for us to get to this point, but I'm glad we reached it. As I told him earlier today when he mentioned hanging out & talking, I said "Yes, we used to have a good time together when we weren't fighting" (which was a majority of the time). And we didn't talk about anything that passed between us at all, really. We just talked. About our jobs, his family, how much we've changed, how nice this was. It was so nice. It was a good change of pace from my normal after-work routine, too. He's been through a lot recently. Sometimes it takes a lot for us to realize who knows us best & who can help us the most. I'll always care the world for him, no matter how bad he hurt me. That was years ago. I was very content with today.
On a totally different note (not about the person above at all)... it's so hard just not knowing how you feel about somebody. I've always been SO sure about my feelings. What's been going on between him & me recently is just so strange that I cannot wrap my head around it. It's been one of those things that's been so pushed back in my mind for so long that I have no idea if I should ignore everything or lay it out on the table. Meh.
I'm finishing Breaking Dawn tonight. I'm going to Memphis this weekend to hangout with my brother. I need to get away & I wanna see him. Two very good reasons to leave.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
the man that got away.
The stars have lost their glitter
The winds grow colder
And suddenly you're older
And all because of the man that got away.
No more his eager call
The writing's on the wall
The dreams you dreamed have all
gone astray.
The man that won you
Has gone off and undone you.
That great beginning
Has seen the final inning.
Don't know what happened. It's all a crazy game.
No more that all time thrill
For you've been through the mill
And never a new love will
be the same.
Good riddance, goodbye!
Every trick of his you're on to
But fools will be fools
And where's he gone to?
The road gets rougher
It's lonelier and tougher.
With hope you burn up
Tomorrow he may turn up
There's just no let up the live-long night and day.
Ever since this world began
There is nothing sadder than
A one-man woman looking for
The man that got away...
The man that got away.
-Jeff Buckley
Decent week. Decent weekend. Besides the 2 day saga of my power getting cut off (which makes me even more thankful for my bff & her giant bed) & the current saga of our Dish being f'ed up BY the stupid CDE people (causing me to only be able to watch the Science Channel, the Game Show Network, QVC, & some channel called FNL), nothing too exciting has happened. Friday night I had a typical "Maggie" night. I'd go into more details if I knew what they were. Last night, Mary Pat decided to share her evil depression with me which caused us to stop drinking our sorrows & go to Kelly's Big Burger where we proceeded to eat our sorrows. And today, Mary Pat, her sister Hannah & I laid on a float for literally the entire day. Needless to say, I'm the reddest person ever. I used to love being burnt when I was little. Probably because Mom had so much pity on me & would lotion me up & bring me stuff haha. I was already plenty burnt from being at the pool all day w/ Britt on Saturday, but today I just decided to cancer myself up. Those bank ladies are gonna have a hay-day with this!
I wanna steal MP's new kitten. End of story.
Oh, & I would like to put this out there... huge congrats to NEARZA :) I love you both & am so exciteddddddddddd!
This was irrelevant. I want another tattoo even though my last one almost killed me. I'm running out of places to hide them.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
a lot of moving.
Is there someone you are completely tangled up in?
- Not completely. There is somebody I need to talk to because, as we all know, I wear my heart on my sleeve & can't NOT tell somebody how I feel, even if I'm not sure how I feel. Does that makes sense?
What do you daydream about the most?
- Money? I like money.
If you could run away to any place, where would you go?
- Mary Pat & I are planning our escape to Charleston, SC. Don't ask.
How often is your smile fake?
- I can't smile & not mean it. I tried earlier today when I asked some rude gay guy if I could help him & he looked at me & said "Uh, I don't know you. I know her. Sorry." ... everybody kept saying "That's just how he is" & I would reply with... well, my reply wasn't very nice. Let's just say, I was taken aback by the pure lack of manners & human decency of this guy. I've been there 2 weeks, guy. Of course you don't know me.
Is there anything/anyone you're losing faith in?
- Not really... cause for every 1 asshole I meet on a daily basis, there are about 3-4 really nice, genuine people to makeup for them. The pricks sometimes overshadow them, but I'm learning to look past that.
When was the last time you completely broke down?
- Ooh, I don't know. Completely would have to be a little bit after we got back from Spring Break. It got ugly.
Who can make or break your day?
- Just people.
What do you do during a thunderstorm?
- If it's not bad, then I either enjoy it or sleep. If it gets intense, I cry, pray & check the weather a lot haha
Is there any song right now that could make you cry?
- There's always a couple that do it for me all the time. I try not to listen to those.
Are you addicted to anything?
- Salt & cheese?
Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?
- Write a paper, any day of the week.
How many piercings do you have?
- 2.
What is your biggest regret?
- None. Those of you who know me well (which would be all of you, I assume... if not, that's strange) probably think I should have millions. I probably should. That won't help anything though.
Describe your favorite shirt?
- Hmm... I'm gonna go w/ my Ryan Adam's shirt (black w/ the red Cardinology rose on it)
Are you lying to yourself about something?
- I'm pretty realistic with myself. I had a very vocal convo with myself in the WalMart parking lot a few days ago, actually.
Yellow fingernail polish: yes or no?
- Yes.
What is your dog's name?
- I do not own one of those.
Are you going to lose some of you're friends nest year?
- I don't have any bird friends, sir.
Is it hard for you to be happy for someone else?
- No.
Would you rather go camping or spend a day at the spa?
- Uh, spa. I like those backrubz.
Chicken or beef?
- Chicken & beef & beer.
Do you like to wear formal wear?
- Yes.
Do you like pale or bright colors more?
- I like all colors. Mainly bright.
Have you ever been so hurt that you wanted to stop feeling completely?
- Gosh yes. I can never express that feeling.
Have you ever taken a long trip alone?
- No more than 3 hours.
Is there a specific moment you can replay in your mind perfectly?
- My memory isn't that horrible. Yes.
Has an ex ever wanted you back after they left you?
- Yes.
Do you leave your feelings unspoken?
- Rarely... & I probably should.
Do you think there are different kinds of pain?
- Oh yeah. I'm a master at all of them.
Name something good that happened today?
- Hmm... Well, work was good I suppose. My Subway had plenty of cheese on it, as did the ham & cheese sandwich I made for dinner.
What did you do yesterday in detail?
- Made breakfast for lunch, went to MP's & layed out for about 30 minutes before the rain, then we proceeded to lay on the couch ALL day watching the Jon & Kate Plus 8 marathon, napping & facebooking. Memorial Day.
Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
- Yep.
Was yesterday better than today?
- They were too different.
What do you regret most this week?
- It's only Tuesday. Knock on wood I won't be regretting anything anytime soon.
Do you talk a lot?
- Oh that really depends... sometimes I can't stop.
Did you cry today?
- Nope.
Where were you at 8 this morning?
- Work.
Have you ever been rude to someone without even realizing it?
- I'm sure.
Have you ever thought your inner organs were failing?
- My throat feels like it's about to explode.
If you could change some of the past without changing the future would you?
- What sense would that make?
Are you single?
- More than ever... if that even makes sense. I have absolutely no ties to anyone for the first time in over a year.
Who was the last guy you hugged?
- Probably somebody Saturday night.
Have you done something stupid to get a guy's/girl's attention?
- Get blackout, cause I thought that was the only way I could talk to guys for a long time. That ended up with me making out with every male at Austin Peay.
When you were in elementary school, did you change best friends a lot?
- No. I can't remember that far back, really haha
What was the last movie you watched?
- Some creepy movie on Lifetime. I know, I know.
Does it annoy you when people say they'll call but never do?
- Depends on who it is. I don't much like the phone.
Could you go a month without cursing?
- I wanna try. I don't think it's possible, as sad as that is. I hate cussing, it's SO unattractive.
What did you do this Spring Break?
- Do we need to ask this? I went balls to the wall, basically.
How's your heart lately?
- It's in there. I shall kill it with salt soon enough.
What will you do after this?
- After I peel my lettuce for our work cookout tomorrow, probably sleep.
What was the last tv show you watched?
- The OC.
Do you own a piece of clothing with your school name on it?
- Lots of it. Well, my former school... shoot.
Last person to take a picture with?
- My camera says it's Jessica.
How many letters are in your last name?
- 5.
Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
- Yes.
What are you currently listening to?
- The Avett Bros. They remind me of little Cale & I miss that kid.
When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
- Saturday night I guess.
Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
- Female. Gotta love that teller line!
- Not completely. There is somebody I need to talk to because, as we all know, I wear my heart on my sleeve & can't NOT tell somebody how I feel, even if I'm not sure how I feel. Does that makes sense?
What do you daydream about the most?
- Money? I like money.
If you could run away to any place, where would you go?
- Mary Pat & I are planning our escape to Charleston, SC. Don't ask.
How often is your smile fake?
- I can't smile & not mean it. I tried earlier today when I asked some rude gay guy if I could help him & he looked at me & said "Uh, I don't know you. I know her. Sorry." ... everybody kept saying "That's just how he is" & I would reply with... well, my reply wasn't very nice. Let's just say, I was taken aback by the pure lack of manners & human decency of this guy. I've been there 2 weeks, guy. Of course you don't know me.
Is there anything/anyone you're losing faith in?
- Not really... cause for every 1 asshole I meet on a daily basis, there are about 3-4 really nice, genuine people to makeup for them. The pricks sometimes overshadow them, but I'm learning to look past that.
When was the last time you completely broke down?
- Ooh, I don't know. Completely would have to be a little bit after we got back from Spring Break. It got ugly.
Who can make or break your day?
- Just people.
What do you do during a thunderstorm?
- If it's not bad, then I either enjoy it or sleep. If it gets intense, I cry, pray & check the weather a lot haha
Is there any song right now that could make you cry?
- There's always a couple that do it for me all the time. I try not to listen to those.
Are you addicted to anything?
- Salt & cheese?
Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?
- Write a paper, any day of the week.
How many piercings do you have?
- 2.
What is your biggest regret?
- None. Those of you who know me well (which would be all of you, I assume... if not, that's strange) probably think I should have millions. I probably should. That won't help anything though.
Describe your favorite shirt?
- Hmm... I'm gonna go w/ my Ryan Adam's shirt (black w/ the red Cardinology rose on it)
Are you lying to yourself about something?
- I'm pretty realistic with myself. I had a very vocal convo with myself in the WalMart parking lot a few days ago, actually.
Yellow fingernail polish: yes or no?
- Yes.
What is your dog's name?
- I do not own one of those.
Are you going to lose some of you're friends nest year?
- I don't have any bird friends, sir.
Is it hard for you to be happy for someone else?
- No.
Would you rather go camping or spend a day at the spa?
- Uh, spa. I like those backrubz.
Chicken or beef?
- Chicken & beef & beer.
Do you like to wear formal wear?
- Yes.
Do you like pale or bright colors more?
- I like all colors. Mainly bright.
Have you ever been so hurt that you wanted to stop feeling completely?
- Gosh yes. I can never express that feeling.
Have you ever taken a long trip alone?
- No more than 3 hours.
Is there a specific moment you can replay in your mind perfectly?
- My memory isn't that horrible. Yes.
Has an ex ever wanted you back after they left you?
- Yes.
Do you leave your feelings unspoken?
- Rarely... & I probably should.
Do you think there are different kinds of pain?
- Oh yeah. I'm a master at all of them.
Name something good that happened today?
- Hmm... Well, work was good I suppose. My Subway had plenty of cheese on it, as did the ham & cheese sandwich I made for dinner.
What did you do yesterday in detail?
- Made breakfast for lunch, went to MP's & layed out for about 30 minutes before the rain, then we proceeded to lay on the couch ALL day watching the Jon & Kate Plus 8 marathon, napping & facebooking. Memorial Day.
Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
- Yep.
Was yesterday better than today?
- They were too different.
What do you regret most this week?
- It's only Tuesday. Knock on wood I won't be regretting anything anytime soon.
Do you talk a lot?
- Oh that really depends... sometimes I can't stop.
Did you cry today?
- Nope.
Where were you at 8 this morning?
- Work.
Have you ever been rude to someone without even realizing it?
- I'm sure.
Have you ever thought your inner organs were failing?
- My throat feels like it's about to explode.
If you could change some of the past without changing the future would you?
- What sense would that make?
Are you single?
- More than ever... if that even makes sense. I have absolutely no ties to anyone for the first time in over a year.
Who was the last guy you hugged?
- Probably somebody Saturday night.
Have you done something stupid to get a guy's/girl's attention?
- Get blackout, cause I thought that was the only way I could talk to guys for a long time. That ended up with me making out with every male at Austin Peay.
When you were in elementary school, did you change best friends a lot?
- No. I can't remember that far back, really haha
What was the last movie you watched?
- Some creepy movie on Lifetime. I know, I know.
Does it annoy you when people say they'll call but never do?
- Depends on who it is. I don't much like the phone.
Could you go a month without cursing?
- I wanna try. I don't think it's possible, as sad as that is. I hate cussing, it's SO unattractive.
What did you do this Spring Break?
- Do we need to ask this? I went balls to the wall, basically.
How's your heart lately?
- It's in there. I shall kill it with salt soon enough.
What will you do after this?
- After I peel my lettuce for our work cookout tomorrow, probably sleep.
What was the last tv show you watched?
- The OC.
Do you own a piece of clothing with your school name on it?
- Lots of it. Well, my former school... shoot.
Last person to take a picture with?
- My camera says it's Jessica.
How many letters are in your last name?
- 5.
Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
- Yes.
What are you currently listening to?
- The Avett Bros. They remind me of little Cale & I miss that kid.
When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
- Saturday night I guess.
Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
- Female. Gotta love that teller line!
are friends electric?
I wish every day was a member of the weekend.
I have this wisdom tooth that I do believe is trying to break free of my gums & run off to cause misery to millions of others besides myself. I thought all mine were in & settled, but man was I wrong. It hurts & it's causing flu-like symptoms in the rest of my body. I'm les mis, to sum it up.
I keep singing the theme song of the Dolly Parton film "9 to 5", but am having to change the words to "Working 8 to 5 with a 1 hour lunch break, what a way to make a livin'."... it's not quite as catchy. Anyways, I still like my job a lot. Probably more than I should. I come home too exhuasted to do anything (hense why no one has recieved a "thank you" note from me yet... I swear it's on my agenda for the week!). This tooth situation forced me to come home, binge eat, binge nap, binge finish Eclipse, & binge blog. After this, I will binge Nyquil & binge sleep. I wish Dad would give me my graduation present (my kitten) so I wouldn't be so lonley when I got home! That's the saddest sentence I've ever said. But really, I haven't had a roommate in about 2 weeks. It's not so bad play-living-by-yourself, just kinda sad. I promise this isn't a pity party, I just have nothing else of relivance to talk about.
What's strange to me is, well, me. I am strange. A month ago, I was all he wanted. Although I in no way wanted him back, just knowing he's with somebody else is only a half-relief. I stopped talking to him because I knew he wasn't right for me. He (finally) stopped talking to me because he found somebody else. That's a guy for ya, I guess. I hope she's a good girl. I hope she can put up with him & change him like I just couldn't bring myself to do anymore. It gets exhausting.
Then there's the "best friend" who I may have to cut the friendship off with if some things don't change... such as him being TRASHED & pretending to be ok so he makes sure he gets me home to my apt "safely" & nobody else... then proceeding to almost wreck about 4-5 times & almost run a redlight. That was the latest incident in many. It's getting ridiculous how he acts & nothing I say will make him backoff. If it comes to the point where we cannot be friends, then it will have to come to that point. He put both of our safety on the line for selfish reasons & that is NOT ok. I do love him with all of my heart, but will never see him in that light. I thought he knew that, but certain things continue to happen to show me that isn't the case.
I'll stop. Goodnight, world. Let's hope I wakeup toothless.
I have this wisdom tooth that I do believe is trying to break free of my gums & run off to cause misery to millions of others besides myself. I thought all mine were in & settled, but man was I wrong. It hurts & it's causing flu-like symptoms in the rest of my body. I'm les mis, to sum it up.
I keep singing the theme song of the Dolly Parton film "9 to 5", but am having to change the words to "Working 8 to 5 with a 1 hour lunch break, what a way to make a livin'."... it's not quite as catchy. Anyways, I still like my job a lot. Probably more than I should. I come home too exhuasted to do anything (hense why no one has recieved a "thank you" note from me yet... I swear it's on my agenda for the week!). This tooth situation forced me to come home, binge eat, binge nap, binge finish Eclipse, & binge blog. After this, I will binge Nyquil & binge sleep. I wish Dad would give me my graduation present (my kitten) so I wouldn't be so lonley when I got home! That's the saddest sentence I've ever said. But really, I haven't had a roommate in about 2 weeks. It's not so bad play-living-by-yourself, just kinda sad. I promise this isn't a pity party, I just have nothing else of relivance to talk about.
What's strange to me is, well, me. I am strange. A month ago, I was all he wanted. Although I in no way wanted him back, just knowing he's with somebody else is only a half-relief. I stopped talking to him because I knew he wasn't right for me. He (finally) stopped talking to me because he found somebody else. That's a guy for ya, I guess. I hope she's a good girl. I hope she can put up with him & change him like I just couldn't bring myself to do anymore. It gets exhausting.
Then there's the "best friend" who I may have to cut the friendship off with if some things don't change... such as him being TRASHED & pretending to be ok so he makes sure he gets me home to my apt "safely" & nobody else... then proceeding to almost wreck about 4-5 times & almost run a redlight. That was the latest incident in many. It's getting ridiculous how he acts & nothing I say will make him backoff. If it comes to the point where we cannot be friends, then it will have to come to that point. He put both of our safety on the line for selfish reasons & that is NOT ok. I do love him with all of my heart, but will never see him in that light. I thought he knew that, but certain things continue to happen to show me that isn't the case.
I'll stop. Goodnight, world. Let's hope I wakeup toothless.
Monday, May 18, 2009
because.
Because all I do with my days now is work, eat, & catch up on my tv (thank the gods for DVR), I've decided I should blog more often.
I adore my new job. Adore it. The only problem I have (which is kind of a big one & will become bigger) is the woman who will become my head teller when the new branch opens in June. I've never been so automatically annoyed by anyone in my life. I don't even wanna get into it. I'm just thankful everybody I work with feels the same way. Once the new branch opens, it will just be me, her, Yolanda (who I love), & a part-timer at Wilma Rudolph... at least I have Yo to keep me sane, cause this woman is unbearable. That was my rant for the day.
Courtni's been in Chicago since Saturday. I didn't mind having the apt to myself until 5 minutes ago when I was washing my face & heard a noise. The walls are very thin so I'm positive it was Jess & Courtney next door, BUT my paranoid mind refuses to keep the water on anymore & runs into her room. My bedroom door is now shut & locked, like that'll help a lot. Gotta love Downtown Clarksy.
Tonight, a few of us headed over to the Daniel's presh house to celebrate Amanda's bday. Of course, I laughed way too much as always when I'm around those people. The Cooksey's gave me a graduation present--a "courage" angel. Mrs. Janet said it was because I kept going when I wanted to give up... I don't think she realized how true that statement is. The whole night, I would find myself just looking at everybody & soaking them in. I feel like that's so necessary to do lately. I love my friends. They have been my backbone, my family, my strength, my life, when I honestly didn't think I had any of those things left. I would never let myself truely, 100% tell them how they've saved my life, but they have. I wouldn't be here today. I've never admitted that before. Well, there ya go.
By the by, happy birthday Manderz :)
Is it sad that the main reason I feel like I'm never going to meet anybody is because I'm not in college anymore? Dear Maggie, it's obvious that you weren't having much luck finding a soul mate IN college so calm the hell down. Love, Maggie. I just had to get that out of my system.
Make this week go by faster. I'm gonna read my stories & hit the hay. So old. Love love.
I adore my new job. Adore it. The only problem I have (which is kind of a big one & will become bigger) is the woman who will become my head teller when the new branch opens in June. I've never been so automatically annoyed by anyone in my life. I don't even wanna get into it. I'm just thankful everybody I work with feels the same way. Once the new branch opens, it will just be me, her, Yolanda (who I love), & a part-timer at Wilma Rudolph... at least I have Yo to keep me sane, cause this woman is unbearable. That was my rant for the day.
Courtni's been in Chicago since Saturday. I didn't mind having the apt to myself until 5 minutes ago when I was washing my face & heard a noise. The walls are very thin so I'm positive it was Jess & Courtney next door, BUT my paranoid mind refuses to keep the water on anymore & runs into her room. My bedroom door is now shut & locked, like that'll help a lot. Gotta love Downtown Clarksy.
Tonight, a few of us headed over to the Daniel's presh house to celebrate Amanda's bday. Of course, I laughed way too much as always when I'm around those people. The Cooksey's gave me a graduation present--a "courage" angel. Mrs. Janet said it was because I kept going when I wanted to give up... I don't think she realized how true that statement is. The whole night, I would find myself just looking at everybody & soaking them in. I feel like that's so necessary to do lately. I love my friends. They have been my backbone, my family, my strength, my life, when I honestly didn't think I had any of those things left. I would never let myself truely, 100% tell them how they've saved my life, but they have. I wouldn't be here today. I've never admitted that before. Well, there ya go.
By the by, happy birthday Manderz :)
Is it sad that the main reason I feel like I'm never going to meet anybody is because I'm not in college anymore? Dear Maggie, it's obvious that you weren't having much luck finding a soul mate IN college so calm the hell down. Love, Maggie. I just had to get that out of my system.
Make this week go by faster. I'm gonna read my stories & hit the hay. So old. Love love.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
in three's.
I will never understand how God works. All I want is to know exactly why he choses the people he does to leave us. It's been absolutely boggling my mind for the past 2 days now. I couldn't even have a little fun last night because it was all I could think about. My thinking in no way effects the way I feel about Him, however. I just wish I knew. I guess some things are better not knowing, though.
I get a text late Thursday night from my childhood best friend Sabrina. We reconnected a few months ago, which I am very thankful for. She was telling me about her family--how grownup her little sister Jessica is & how her brother Clay got married & had a baby. Then she tells me about Clay's cancer. See, I am usually the most optimistic person in the world. I pray & pray & know God will always do the right thing. Well, Clay's cancer was bad. Terrible, actually. Stage 4. So, I look at my phone this morning & see the news I was dreading.
21 years old. He left behind a wife, 1 year old boy, friends & a family who loved him so much. 21 years old. All I want to do is drive to Murfreesboro & be with them all, but I know nothing I do will help the way they all feel right now. I've felt it before, I know. Anytime I would laugh or just smile at work yesterday, Clay would immediately pop back into my mind. I don't understand.
Last night, I get a text from a friend that says "Just got some bad news so we're kinda down." Nothing good ever comes from that. It was Keith. One of the most genuinely nice people I have ever met in my whole life. Always chill, always smiling. Then the questions started again. I actually fell asleep last night on my bedroom floor, lights on, fully clothed, crying... not because I was too drunk to get up (which is usually the case), but I couldn't make myself live my life for that moment. I had to think. I had to lay there in silence & think. I don't understand.
They always say bad things happen in 3's... now I'm going to wander around today on my toes, scared of any phonecall or text I get. I've got a busy couple of days ahead of me. I shouldn't live my life in fear.
All I can do is continue to pray for everybody involved in these two boy's lives. I'll continue to question His ways, but eventually realize that He knows what He's doing, whether we like it or not.
I don't like going a day without telling the people I love how much I love them anways. This just strengthens that. I LOVE you all. More than you'll know, probably.
I get a text late Thursday night from my childhood best friend Sabrina. We reconnected a few months ago, which I am very thankful for. She was telling me about her family--how grownup her little sister Jessica is & how her brother Clay got married & had a baby. Then she tells me about Clay's cancer. See, I am usually the most optimistic person in the world. I pray & pray & know God will always do the right thing. Well, Clay's cancer was bad. Terrible, actually. Stage 4. So, I look at my phone this morning & see the news I was dreading.
21 years old. He left behind a wife, 1 year old boy, friends & a family who loved him so much. 21 years old. All I want to do is drive to Murfreesboro & be with them all, but I know nothing I do will help the way they all feel right now. I've felt it before, I know. Anytime I would laugh or just smile at work yesterday, Clay would immediately pop back into my mind. I don't understand.
Last night, I get a text from a friend that says "Just got some bad news so we're kinda down." Nothing good ever comes from that. It was Keith. One of the most genuinely nice people I have ever met in my whole life. Always chill, always smiling. Then the questions started again. I actually fell asleep last night on my bedroom floor, lights on, fully clothed, crying... not because I was too drunk to get up (which is usually the case), but I couldn't make myself live my life for that moment. I had to think. I had to lay there in silence & think. I don't understand.
They always say bad things happen in 3's... now I'm going to wander around today on my toes, scared of any phonecall or text I get. I've got a busy couple of days ahead of me. I shouldn't live my life in fear.
All I can do is continue to pray for everybody involved in these two boy's lives. I'll continue to question His ways, but eventually realize that He knows what He's doing, whether we like it or not.
I don't like going a day without telling the people I love how much I love them anways. This just strengthens that. I LOVE you all. More than you'll know, probably.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I got what I got
It's been less than a week since everything changed. I, personally, think I'm handling it quite well.
I'm really sorry I don't blog as often as I should/I'd like. There are some nights I sit here for hours writing & always end up deleting the whole thing. That actually happens 9x's out of 10. So, forgive.
Last week was just amazing/bittersweet/happy/sad/drunken/surreal. I never thought I'd walk across that stage. I walked mainly to prove it to myself. Not to anybody else. I remember thinking my first year of college that I wouldn't make it through. I remember thinking that school just wasn't for me--I wasn't great in it in high school, so what made me think I'd be great in it further along? Well, I was right about one thing: I definitely wasn't great at it by any means. BUT I didn't give up. Wanna know why? I bet you know why. It has something to do with that little gold locket I like to wear on occasion.
Did Jordin Sparks win AI last year? I could have swore thats what Ryan just said. I am only half listening to him. This song sounds just like that Jennifer Hudson song. I like how I'm acting like everybody is watching this, too. ANSWER ME! Really, though... who won last year? Did I watch it last year? Sorry.
Anways.
Graduation day was a day to remember, I'll tell you that. Lauren & I walked to the Dunn in the rain only to be forced into a crammed tunnel because of tornado warnings... for a long time. It was pretty hilar. We eventually shimmied out way into the football locker room in order to not melt to death. Well, we graduated eventually. Only a few minutes late. I texted, chewed my gum obnoxiously, scanned the crowds for my friends, just like a preschool grad. Sure I didn't have any of my family there, but I've never felt so blessed and thankful for the things I DO have than I did in the center of the Dunn that day. I got a bouquet of flowers from Ben, Carly, & The Laugeness family. I got cheers from my best friends. I got hugs from my best friends. I got texts from my family (& one from a certain Cooksey mother which... words can't describe). I can't begin to explain the joy I felt on that day.
Lauren & I had our grad party on Sunday. Once again--we have the best people in our lives. I couldn't have asked for a better time. I'm SO thankful for everything Mr. Paul, Mrs. Merrilee, my Dad & Kadie did for us. I was overcome with emotion. It was so good to see everybody, too.
SO, I became a full-time girl on Monday. I find myself eating, sleeping, & breathing money. I really do like it a lot, though! There's so much to learn & it's so easy to mess up, but I think I'll catch on eventually :) The whole 8-5 thing... well, I'll adjust. I now see why adults (I won't call myself that still) are so anxious for the weekends. I need a drink.
This was too long. My apologies. I'm too tired to proofread so ignore any mistakes till tomorrow. Night ya'll.
I'm really sorry I don't blog as often as I should/I'd like. There are some nights I sit here for hours writing & always end up deleting the whole thing. That actually happens 9x's out of 10. So, forgive.
Last week was just amazing/bittersweet/happy/sad/drunken/surreal. I never thought I'd walk across that stage. I walked mainly to prove it to myself. Not to anybody else. I remember thinking my first year of college that I wouldn't make it through. I remember thinking that school just wasn't for me--I wasn't great in it in high school, so what made me think I'd be great in it further along? Well, I was right about one thing: I definitely wasn't great at it by any means. BUT I didn't give up. Wanna know why? I bet you know why. It has something to do with that little gold locket I like to wear on occasion.
Did Jordin Sparks win AI last year? I could have swore thats what Ryan just said. I am only half listening to him. This song sounds just like that Jennifer Hudson song. I like how I'm acting like everybody is watching this, too. ANSWER ME! Really, though... who won last year? Did I watch it last year? Sorry.
Anways.
Graduation day was a day to remember, I'll tell you that. Lauren & I walked to the Dunn in the rain only to be forced into a crammed tunnel because of tornado warnings... for a long time. It was pretty hilar. We eventually shimmied out way into the football locker room in order to not melt to death. Well, we graduated eventually. Only a few minutes late. I texted, chewed my gum obnoxiously, scanned the crowds for my friends, just like a preschool grad. Sure I didn't have any of my family there, but I've never felt so blessed and thankful for the things I DO have than I did in the center of the Dunn that day. I got a bouquet of flowers from Ben, Carly, & The Laugeness family. I got cheers from my best friends. I got hugs from my best friends. I got texts from my family (& one from a certain Cooksey mother which... words can't describe). I can't begin to explain the joy I felt on that day.
Lauren & I had our grad party on Sunday. Once again--we have the best people in our lives. I couldn't have asked for a better time. I'm SO thankful for everything Mr. Paul, Mrs. Merrilee, my Dad & Kadie did for us. I was overcome with emotion. It was so good to see everybody, too.
SO, I became a full-time girl on Monday. I find myself eating, sleeping, & breathing money. I really do like it a lot, though! There's so much to learn & it's so easy to mess up, but I think I'll catch on eventually :) The whole 8-5 thing... well, I'll adjust. I now see why adults (I won't call myself that still) are so anxious for the weekends. I need a drink.
This was too long. My apologies. I'm too tired to proofread so ignore any mistakes till tomorrow. Night ya'll.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
squidbillies.
There's so much I want to say, but so much I'm afraid to say. Everything kind of hit me late last night. Not everything by any means. One particular situation. He called. He called to tell me the same thing he's been telling me for a long time now.
"I know you've done a lot of shit. I don't care. Please be with me."
"Please." This is the boy that made me cry consistantly from this time last year to sometime last semester. This is the boy that talked to me like a dog, made me feel like I was never good enough or pretty enough, left me in his backseat in the middle of the night bawling, & countless other things. He's the reason I started drinking myself stupid in the first place... then it just became a bad habit. He's the reason I'd go on searches for prescription pills, strictly to help me not think about what he did to me.
& he's changed, yes. But he's not what I want anymore.
I saw my Dad's side of the family for the first time in about 8 years on Friday for my Grandpa's 79th birthday. It was nice. Very humbling. I see a lot of myself in my Aunt Judy & that's not a bad thing.
T-minus 5 days till graduation. Amanda, piss off. You're still a Cooksey & you will clap your hands for me!
I literally just chugged a Cherry Coke in order to stay awake to study for my final in the morning. If you know me at all, you're aware of the fact that even a little bit of caffeine will keep me up all night so this could be bad. Wish me luck!
I start my big girl job next Monday. Full time teller at Cumberland Bank & Trust. I'm pretty much ready to stop being such a college girl. I need to get it together. I think this is gonna help me a lot. Therapy probably would, too.
"I know you've done a lot of shit. I don't care. Please be with me."
"Please." This is the boy that made me cry consistantly from this time last year to sometime last semester. This is the boy that talked to me like a dog, made me feel like I was never good enough or pretty enough, left me in his backseat in the middle of the night bawling, & countless other things. He's the reason I started drinking myself stupid in the first place... then it just became a bad habit. He's the reason I'd go on searches for prescription pills, strictly to help me not think about what he did to me.
& he's changed, yes. But he's not what I want anymore.
I saw my Dad's side of the family for the first time in about 8 years on Friday for my Grandpa's 79th birthday. It was nice. Very humbling. I see a lot of myself in my Aunt Judy & that's not a bad thing.
T-minus 5 days till graduation. Amanda, piss off. You're still a Cooksey & you will clap your hands for me!
I literally just chugged a Cherry Coke in order to stay awake to study for my final in the morning. If you know me at all, you're aware of the fact that even a little bit of caffeine will keep me up all night so this could be bad. Wish me luck!
I start my big girl job next Monday. Full time teller at Cumberland Bank & Trust. I'm pretty much ready to stop being such a college girl. I need to get it together. I think this is gonna help me a lot. Therapy probably would, too.
Monday, April 27, 2009
11 Days.
To Do:
- Presentation tomorrow
- 3 Managerial accounting assignments
- 2 websites
- 2 in-class finals
- 2 online finals
... & I don't want college to end WHY??
Overlooking everything I have to do, I really don't want this to end. Today, I walked my good 4-5 blocks to class & back, walked to the gym, worked out, & walked back, making sure I took a new route each time I ventured out. Just to reminisce. Just to remember everything that's happened these past 5 years. I find myself walking to the river ("Clarksville Beach"), climbing the ridiculous hills that makeup Downtown Clarksville for almost an hour at a time just to take these last few days in. Yes, these are all things I will be able to do after I graduate, but it's the principle. I'm SUCH a college kid. I don't know how to get out of that mindset.
I'm walking the same routes I walk Thursday nights-Saturday nights (except I'm usually wasted &/or barefoot on those nights). I love to walk. I've always loved to walk. It started a few years ago when I would get what I called "walk-happy" when I was drinking, but it really has turned into my favorite thing to do. Yes, I'm a runner when it comes down to my workouts, but there's something so much more calming to me when I'm just trying to think & clear my head while walking. I like that it's pretty enough outside TO walk. I like that I have the time to walk. I'm gonna miss this.
There's only a handful of people I'm going to really, really miss. People I know are leaving (because, of course, I'll be right here). As we all know, I don't handle change well. I hate it, actually. Unless it's some amazing thing that is gonna make me happy forever, but that's rarely the case. I'm excited to an extent. Just terrified.
I had my first big girl job interview for Cumberland Bank & Trust on Friday morning. We'll see how that pans out.
I'll get my work done, but I'm not gonna lie--I will be spending a majority of the next 11 days being as much of a college kid as I possibly can be.
- Presentation tomorrow
- 3 Managerial accounting assignments
- 2 websites
- 2 in-class finals
- 2 online finals
... & I don't want college to end WHY??
Overlooking everything I have to do, I really don't want this to end. Today, I walked my good 4-5 blocks to class & back, walked to the gym, worked out, & walked back, making sure I took a new route each time I ventured out. Just to reminisce. Just to remember everything that's happened these past 5 years. I find myself walking to the river ("Clarksville Beach"), climbing the ridiculous hills that makeup Downtown Clarksville for almost an hour at a time just to take these last few days in. Yes, these are all things I will be able to do after I graduate, but it's the principle. I'm SUCH a college kid. I don't know how to get out of that mindset.
I'm walking the same routes I walk Thursday nights-Saturday nights (except I'm usually wasted &/or barefoot on those nights). I love to walk. I've always loved to walk. It started a few years ago when I would get what I called "walk-happy" when I was drinking, but it really has turned into my favorite thing to do. Yes, I'm a runner when it comes down to my workouts, but there's something so much more calming to me when I'm just trying to think & clear my head while walking. I like that it's pretty enough outside TO walk. I like that I have the time to walk. I'm gonna miss this.
There's only a handful of people I'm going to really, really miss. People I know are leaving (because, of course, I'll be right here). As we all know, I don't handle change well. I hate it, actually. Unless it's some amazing thing that is gonna make me happy forever, but that's rarely the case. I'm excited to an extent. Just terrified.
I had my first big girl job interview for Cumberland Bank & Trust on Friday morning. We'll see how that pans out.
I'll get my work done, but I'm not gonna lie--I will be spending a majority of the next 11 days being as much of a college kid as I possibly can be.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Poker face?
I can't seem to find a happy medium. I either have so much to do that I can't breathe or I feel like I can't find enough to keep me occupied. I have a 10 page paper due Friday that I could have easily spent this boring day working on, but I did not have the motivation to do so today. Why? Probably this mass attack of Senioritis that has consumed me lately. 26 days. I have a big girl job. I may not start for a little while, but I will be a teller at Cumberland Bank & Trust. I know, I know... I'll have a business degree while having the job that anyone can get. The good thing is that I'll be able to work my way up because I have a degree. I guess there's nothing wrong with starting at the bottom. Maybe I'll meet a hottie at the drive-thru.
I felt so at peace yesterday... in a sense that I've never felt before. I have so much to be thankful for. I didn't spend my Easter with my family, per-se. Well, I did go to Dad's for a couple hours in the morning to work on my resume & he made me some eggs, but other than that it was another Sunday (minus being at the boutique). Dad & Kadie were hosting a nice party for a couple of their friends birthdays. I didn't want to intrude.
So, I left there & headed to WalMart for flowers. I'm not much of a cemetary kinda girl, but it was such a pretty day & I hadn't been in so long that I just really wanted to be there. I know that's such a weird thing to hear--wanting to be at a cemetary, but it is, in all honesty, such a peaceful place. And, as I said somewhat jokingly yesterday, "I have more family there than I have here so it only makes sense" hahaha. Maybe that's only funny to me. So, I talked to Momma for a while. I knew she was laughing hysterically at the fact that I was breaking stems of roses off on my knee and gracefully getting poked by thorns in places you wouldn't think someone would get poked by thorns. I raised my voice at her new neighbor "Steven" (I can't rememeber his name, but that sounds right) for taking the area I prefered to sit while talking to her. I went a little further down & talked to Granny, Aunt Ginny, Granddaddy, & Mammy for a while. Gave them some roses. Complained to Granny that I was tired of Easter without her mashed potatos, deviled eggs, giant ham & ridiculous amounts of chocolate in my Easter basket. Blew everybody a kiss & went on my way.
... & I wasn't sad. The only thing that makes me sad is how much I keep forgetting things about them (mainly Mom & Granny. I never got to meet Mammy but I was named after her so I feel a closeness). I left my car on & my window down while I was at the cemetary because I remember Mom's love of The Rolling Stones (which we definitelty share). I found the fact that I was blasting "Tumbling Dice" in a cemetary in no way inappropriate :) Don't get me wrong, it will always hurt. This will never not hurt. I think there's a difference between feeling empty, hurt, & lonely than being sad about said things.
Anyways, back to Easter. I've always said that my friends are my family. They are so incredable & important to me & Easter just intensified those feelings. I was plenty content laying on my couch doing laundry & watching 30 Rock all day on Easter, but still, the fact that I was invited to eat with each Mary Pat, Lauren, Jessica, & Ben's families showed me how much I do have. Lauren & I ended up at Mr. Gatti's then to the Hannah Montana Movie (I don't wanna talk about it haha) which was, to me, the perfect ending to this holiday.
Please keep Vince & his family in your prayers. I hate when my friends are hurting more than anything. Maybe our mom's can play together up there :)
I felt so at peace yesterday... in a sense that I've never felt before. I have so much to be thankful for. I didn't spend my Easter with my family, per-se. Well, I did go to Dad's for a couple hours in the morning to work on my resume & he made me some eggs, but other than that it was another Sunday (minus being at the boutique). Dad & Kadie were hosting a nice party for a couple of their friends birthdays. I didn't want to intrude.
So, I left there & headed to WalMart for flowers. I'm not much of a cemetary kinda girl, but it was such a pretty day & I hadn't been in so long that I just really wanted to be there. I know that's such a weird thing to hear--wanting to be at a cemetary, but it is, in all honesty, such a peaceful place. And, as I said somewhat jokingly yesterday, "I have more family there than I have here so it only makes sense" hahaha. Maybe that's only funny to me. So, I talked to Momma for a while. I knew she was laughing hysterically at the fact that I was breaking stems of roses off on my knee and gracefully getting poked by thorns in places you wouldn't think someone would get poked by thorns. I raised my voice at her new neighbor "Steven" (I can't rememeber his name, but that sounds right) for taking the area I prefered to sit while talking to her. I went a little further down & talked to Granny, Aunt Ginny, Granddaddy, & Mammy for a while. Gave them some roses. Complained to Granny that I was tired of Easter without her mashed potatos, deviled eggs, giant ham & ridiculous amounts of chocolate in my Easter basket. Blew everybody a kiss & went on my way.
... & I wasn't sad. The only thing that makes me sad is how much I keep forgetting things about them (mainly Mom & Granny. I never got to meet Mammy but I was named after her so I feel a closeness). I left my car on & my window down while I was at the cemetary because I remember Mom's love of The Rolling Stones (which we definitelty share). I found the fact that I was blasting "Tumbling Dice" in a cemetary in no way inappropriate :) Don't get me wrong, it will always hurt. This will never not hurt. I think there's a difference between feeling empty, hurt, & lonely than being sad about said things.
Anyways, back to Easter. I've always said that my friends are my family. They are so incredable & important to me & Easter just intensified those feelings. I was plenty content laying on my couch doing laundry & watching 30 Rock all day on Easter, but still, the fact that I was invited to eat with each Mary Pat, Lauren, Jessica, & Ben's families showed me how much I do have. Lauren & I ended up at Mr. Gatti's then to the Hannah Montana Movie (I don't wanna talk about it haha) which was, to me, the perfect ending to this holiday.
Please keep Vince & his family in your prayers. I hate when my friends are hurting more than anything. Maybe our mom's can play together up there :)
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday.
I think this ridiculously random weekend is exactly what I needed. I needed to go places where I knew he wouldn't be (which was beginning to seem impossible), be with people I'm not used to being around, talk to strangers, drink too much, you know. It was fun. So random, but fun. And necessary. Fun & random & necessary. Why am I still typing? Anyways.
These next few weeks of school may literally be the death of me. I don't even want to get into everything I have to do. Everything's due. Projects, presentations, term papers, tests, quiz after quiz after quiz. THEN I can graduate. They always pile it on the last month. Jerks.
So, my spirits have been better. He's unavoidable, but I've dealt with worse situations. I've come to terms with the fact that I made this mistake & have to move on. I apologized, I said my piece & this is how things turn out. I sometime lose sight of how strong I am because I rarely feel that I actually am strong. Once again, everybody loses their way on occasion. This past month, I definitely lost sight of who I am & who I want to be. I'll be that better person eventually.
I have amazing friends & a family who would do anything for me (although I'm too stubborn to ever really ask for help... I know I'd get it). Everything will work itself out. There's no happy medium when it comes to time. I feel like everything's going at lighting speed (top 2 gayest things I've said today), but when it comes to mental time (healing, bettering, you get it)... it takes way too long. Dear time: give me money & make me happy. Love, Maggie. I'm not even making sense anymore. Let's nap.
These next few weeks of school may literally be the death of me. I don't even want to get into everything I have to do. Everything's due. Projects, presentations, term papers, tests, quiz after quiz after quiz. THEN I can graduate. They always pile it on the last month. Jerks.
So, my spirits have been better. He's unavoidable, but I've dealt with worse situations. I've come to terms with the fact that I made this mistake & have to move on. I apologized, I said my piece & this is how things turn out. I sometime lose sight of how strong I am because I rarely feel that I actually am strong. Once again, everybody loses their way on occasion. This past month, I definitely lost sight of who I am & who I want to be. I'll be that better person eventually.
I have amazing friends & a family who would do anything for me (although I'm too stubborn to ever really ask for help... I know I'd get it). Everything will work itself out. There's no happy medium when it comes to time. I feel like everything's going at lighting speed (top 2 gayest things I've said today), but when it comes to mental time (healing, bettering, you get it)... it takes way too long. Dear time: give me money & make me happy. Love, Maggie. I'm not even making sense anymore. Let's nap.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
stealing a car for moe.
I have trouble finding the time to sit here & think long enough to actually write down anything of substance that won't either upset me or bore you. So, my lack of blogging is not for selfish reasons.
Spring Break was amazing. The after effects, not so much. I won't get into it. It's almost mind-numbing how one night can change so much--your happiness, your view of yourself, make you finally question why you make certain choices (whether you remember said choices or not). Because there isn't anything I can do to fix what I've done, all I can do is work on bettering myself & forgetting him. I'm so used to open-minded, non-judgemental people. I expected to chat about it & move on (& not in the sense that I'm being forced to do).
Who hasn't had a few bad days here & there? I know everything will blow over.--the money, the slight pain, the never-ending schoolwork. I keep my head up. I pray more than someone who lives the life I live probably SHOULD pray... or maybe I'm the type that should be praying more than those who follow Him properly. Is there a proper way to follow Him? Am I getting way off topic? It's my blog. Plus, one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons is on. Who can be upset at a time like this?!
Courtni has become all too familiar with my new motto: "I need all the physical pain possible to take away the emotional pain." All I want to do is run around Downtown Clarksville until we've passed the same homeless man a good 10 times. I lift until I cry, I've got bruises all over myself from straining, it hurts to sleep, but this is how I get better. I hate times like this--the times when it's hard to see exactly what makes life SO perfect, exciting, fun, etc. "Time heals everything." I know that more than anybody. I guess I needed this time to actually step back for a second & realize that I do need to grow up.
It was Spring Break, though (haha)
Good people do stupid things. Good people are judged for those stupid things & often not looked at as good people. Those people who judge should never cross my mind again, though. The people who know & love me are all that matter. Those who never take the time to know me... well, I guess it's fate that I never got to know them either.
On a happy note, I'm going to need addresses asap cause THIS girl is graduating! Happy note = scared to death. I'm putting everything in God's hands now (along with a little hard work on my part). I'm ready to have a goal. I realized the other day that it's been a long time since I really, really worked hard for something. I want a nice little job. I want to study so hard for my GMAT next semester & get into grad school. I want my MBA. I never in a million years thought I'd be the girl graduating college, much less looking forward to grad school. I've always been the average student. I've always been ok with that. I've made it through college by the skin of my teeth... but I made it, right?? Let's look on the bright side :)
I should write a newspaper article... "22 & Single". It's not as fun as it sounds.
Spring Break was amazing. The after effects, not so much. I won't get into it. It's almost mind-numbing how one night can change so much--your happiness, your view of yourself, make you finally question why you make certain choices (whether you remember said choices or not). Because there isn't anything I can do to fix what I've done, all I can do is work on bettering myself & forgetting him. I'm so used to open-minded, non-judgemental people. I expected to chat about it & move on (& not in the sense that I'm being forced to do).
Who hasn't had a few bad days here & there? I know everything will blow over.--the money, the slight pain, the never-ending schoolwork. I keep my head up. I pray more than someone who lives the life I live probably SHOULD pray... or maybe I'm the type that should be praying more than those who follow Him properly. Is there a proper way to follow Him? Am I getting way off topic? It's my blog. Plus, one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons is on. Who can be upset at a time like this?!
Courtni has become all too familiar with my new motto: "I need all the physical pain possible to take away the emotional pain." All I want to do is run around Downtown Clarksville until we've passed the same homeless man a good 10 times. I lift until I cry, I've got bruises all over myself from straining, it hurts to sleep, but this is how I get better. I hate times like this--the times when it's hard to see exactly what makes life SO perfect, exciting, fun, etc. "Time heals everything." I know that more than anybody. I guess I needed this time to actually step back for a second & realize that I do need to grow up.
It was Spring Break, though (haha)
Good people do stupid things. Good people are judged for those stupid things & often not looked at as good people. Those people who judge should never cross my mind again, though. The people who know & love me are all that matter. Those who never take the time to know me... well, I guess it's fate that I never got to know them either.
On a happy note, I'm going to need addresses asap cause THIS girl is graduating! Happy note = scared to death. I'm putting everything in God's hands now (along with a little hard work on my part). I'm ready to have a goal. I realized the other day that it's been a long time since I really, really worked hard for something. I want a nice little job. I want to study so hard for my GMAT next semester & get into grad school. I want my MBA. I never in a million years thought I'd be the girl graduating college, much less looking forward to grad school. I've always been the average student. I've always been ok with that. I've made it through college by the skin of my teeth... but I made it, right?? Let's look on the bright side :)
I should write a newspaper article... "22 & Single". It's not as fun as it sounds.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
slimquick.
Sometimes we do things to ourselves subconsiously, maybe because we think we don't deserve happiness or anything good in life. I'll change "we" to "me" & this will all make more sense.
I'm still amazed when I see good in people & it shouldn't be that way. A good deed should not shock anyone. It's so sad that it does. And it's so sad that I think I don't deserve the good deed to be done toward me. This is a purely psychological thing that will never fix itself, just hear me out. We had a purse party at the store on Saturday. Ms. Danette came in, took the wallet I was going to buy for myself & bought it for me. Why? Because she said she just had the feeling that that's what she needed to do. That isn't something I can argue with. That random act of kindness made my day--maybe my month--maybe even my year up to this point. The simplicity of her buying a gift for me out of the goodness of her heart made me cry. Why did I deserve that wallet? Why did I deserve that amazing woman to have the "feeling" sent to her when she laid eyes on me?
I hate that I feel like I don't deserve random acts of kindness. Everybody does.
I pray every single night to be a better person. There's just something in my brain that, no matter how good of a person, friend, daughter, sister, etc., I may be, I will never feel adequite.
So, let me tell you exactly where this somber, somewhat depressing post is coming from--I'm blaiming it 100% on diet pills. Here goes THIS story:
So, yes, I've lost a lot of weight. Up to this point, I've done it in the healthiest of ways. Well, this girl plans a trip to PCB for her first Spring Break ever & 2 weeks before we go, decides that the best way to knock off those last 5 pounds to reach my goal is to invest in diet pills. That's right--THE Margaret Duerr, avid maker-funner of any type of dieting aide, has been taking diet pills for almost 2 weeks. Let's continue:
Week 2, the directions are to bump up the dosage. So, I do. There goes my sleep. There goes my appetite (almost 100%...creepy). Here comes this eerie increase in my heart rate. AND, the main point of all of this, here comes this depression. This is my blog so I'll reveal what I want!
I couldn't put my finger on exactly what's been wrong with me these past few days. I was SO excited about Spring Break, but that deminished totally out of nowhere. I met this guy who is completely out of this world, but all I can do is overanalyze everything & constantly question what he sees in me. I haven't been able to stay excited or happy about anything. Well, wandering around Wal-Mart this afternoon, it dawned on me... diet pills. Can diet pills cause depression? Yeah, we've all had our self-loathing days. I've been upset & depressed & all that jazz in the past, but I actually had a valid reason.
Let's Google this, like I do most things. "SlimQuick, depression"
"...may cause nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness and occasionally, rapid heart beat."
Hmm... checkmate. Ask me how much I've slept in the past 4 days. My answer is about a total of 5 hours. Last night was 1 of them. I'm running on empty right now. God has a very odd way of showing us when we're being total dumbasses. I love Him for it cause He knows me well enough to know that I'm gonna do what I want & if wanting to slit my wrists (once again, that's a little extreme. Just go with it) for no apparent reason is how I have to learn this lesson then so be it.
I'm at the healthiest weight I've been at since I was about 19. I may not look exactly like I want to, but shit... very few people do. I'll be with my friends. I'll be on the beach. So, I went to the gym tonight, kicked my ass like I always do, & came home to eat. It was a great change of pace. I ate & ate & ate just for the pure joy of saying "fuck you, diet pills. I'll lose those 5lbs after Spring Break (along with the extra 20lbs I'm sure I'll put on while I'm there)."
There's not a damn thing wrong with my life. I've prayed & prayed for days now to stop feeling this way... I just had to be knocked in the head one good time to realize I've actually been doing this to myself. Kind of a relief, kind of makes me feel stupid. I guess it happens.
In conclusion, I caved in. I became the girl I never wanted to be--obsessed with my size. I became the girl that would call her friends after not hearing from this guy for less than a day saying "I knew it wouldn't last long. It's ok, I'll get over it." (really, me?? I'm the LAST girl on earth who's ever been like that). I just totally turned my back on myself. I turned my back on my morals (despite popular belief, I DO have those). Sure it was only for about a week, but I've never turned my back on a soul. I've never been the most confident person ever, but even with that issue I've never even turned my back on myself like I did.
You live, you learn. I found $18 in the dryer. That's gotta be a good sign. I'll blog more. I love you, friends.
I'm still amazed when I see good in people & it shouldn't be that way. A good deed should not shock anyone. It's so sad that it does. And it's so sad that I think I don't deserve the good deed to be done toward me. This is a purely psychological thing that will never fix itself, just hear me out. We had a purse party at the store on Saturday. Ms. Danette came in, took the wallet I was going to buy for myself & bought it for me. Why? Because she said she just had the feeling that that's what she needed to do. That isn't something I can argue with. That random act of kindness made my day--maybe my month--maybe even my year up to this point. The simplicity of her buying a gift for me out of the goodness of her heart made me cry. Why did I deserve that wallet? Why did I deserve that amazing woman to have the "feeling" sent to her when she laid eyes on me?
I hate that I feel like I don't deserve random acts of kindness. Everybody does.
I pray every single night to be a better person. There's just something in my brain that, no matter how good of a person, friend, daughter, sister, etc., I may be, I will never feel adequite.
So, let me tell you exactly where this somber, somewhat depressing post is coming from--I'm blaiming it 100% on diet pills. Here goes THIS story:
So, yes, I've lost a lot of weight. Up to this point, I've done it in the healthiest of ways. Well, this girl plans a trip to PCB for her first Spring Break ever & 2 weeks before we go, decides that the best way to knock off those last 5 pounds to reach my goal is to invest in diet pills. That's right--THE Margaret Duerr, avid maker-funner of any type of dieting aide, has been taking diet pills for almost 2 weeks. Let's continue:
Week 2, the directions are to bump up the dosage. So, I do. There goes my sleep. There goes my appetite (almost 100%...creepy). Here comes this eerie increase in my heart rate. AND, the main point of all of this, here comes this depression. This is my blog so I'll reveal what I want!
I couldn't put my finger on exactly what's been wrong with me these past few days. I was SO excited about Spring Break, but that deminished totally out of nowhere. I met this guy who is completely out of this world, but all I can do is overanalyze everything & constantly question what he sees in me. I haven't been able to stay excited or happy about anything. Well, wandering around Wal-Mart this afternoon, it dawned on me... diet pills. Can diet pills cause depression? Yeah, we've all had our self-loathing days. I've been upset & depressed & all that jazz in the past, but I actually had a valid reason.
Let's Google this, like I do most things. "SlimQuick, depression"
"...may cause nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness and occasionally, rapid heart beat."
Hmm... checkmate. Ask me how much I've slept in the past 4 days. My answer is about a total of 5 hours. Last night was 1 of them. I'm running on empty right now. God has a very odd way of showing us when we're being total dumbasses. I love Him for it cause He knows me well enough to know that I'm gonna do what I want & if wanting to slit my wrists (once again, that's a little extreme. Just go with it) for no apparent reason is how I have to learn this lesson then so be it.
I'm at the healthiest weight I've been at since I was about 19. I may not look exactly like I want to, but shit... very few people do. I'll be with my friends. I'll be on the beach. So, I went to the gym tonight, kicked my ass like I always do, & came home to eat. It was a great change of pace. I ate & ate & ate just for the pure joy of saying "fuck you, diet pills. I'll lose those 5lbs after Spring Break (along with the extra 20lbs I'm sure I'll put on while I'm there)."
There's not a damn thing wrong with my life. I've prayed & prayed for days now to stop feeling this way... I just had to be knocked in the head one good time to realize I've actually been doing this to myself. Kind of a relief, kind of makes me feel stupid. I guess it happens.
In conclusion, I caved in. I became the girl I never wanted to be--obsessed with my size. I became the girl that would call her friends after not hearing from this guy for less than a day saying "I knew it wouldn't last long. It's ok, I'll get over it." (really, me?? I'm the LAST girl on earth who's ever been like that). I just totally turned my back on myself. I turned my back on my morals (despite popular belief, I DO have those). Sure it was only for about a week, but I've never turned my back on a soul. I've never been the most confident person ever, but even with that issue I've never even turned my back on myself like I did.
You live, you learn. I found $18 in the dryer. That's gotta be a good sign. I'll blog more. I love you, friends.
Friday, January 23, 2009
April 2008.
Happy Friday night. I'm on the couch, were I've been all day, watching a movie with Mary Pat. I'm very thankful for friends who will be lame with me when I can't function correctly. This'll teach me to go out & be ridiculous on Thursday nights.
Well school's back. Here we go. I say the same thing every semester: start fresh, get my shit straight, go to every class all the time, same old story. Then I remember how bad I am with peer pressure. Shoot.
I told myself I wouldn't write anything too personal on this thing, but I rarely do what I tell myself I'm gonna. Bottom line--9 months ago, I just want everyone to know that I was the happiest love-sick puppydog in all of the Clarksville, Tenny. You'd think after all this time, the two of us would stop having the same stupid fight. I hear the same thing over & over & over from him & Lord knows how much I want to believe him... & how much, in some weird way, I kinda do. I know he's changed. That's obvious. I want things to workout. I want him to be THAT guy. But I'm understandably stand-offish. He understands, too. I don't know if it's worth it. I've spent so much time crying & wanting him to be how he is right now that I don't know if that is what I want anymore. It may be, though. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I love him.
Anyways, that's all. Mary Pat can't work this DISH I have, it's time for me to step in.
Well school's back. Here we go. I say the same thing every semester: start fresh, get my shit straight, go to every class all the time, same old story. Then I remember how bad I am with peer pressure. Shoot.
I told myself I wouldn't write anything too personal on this thing, but I rarely do what I tell myself I'm gonna. Bottom line--9 months ago, I just want everyone to know that I was the happiest love-sick puppydog in all of the Clarksville, Tenny. You'd think after all this time, the two of us would stop having the same stupid fight. I hear the same thing over & over & over from him & Lord knows how much I want to believe him... & how much, in some weird way, I kinda do. I know he's changed. That's obvious. I want things to workout. I want him to be THAT guy. But I'm understandably stand-offish. He understands, too. I don't know if it's worth it. I've spent so much time crying & wanting him to be how he is right now that I don't know if that is what I want anymore. It may be, though. I don't know. I don't know a lot of things. I love him.
Anyways, that's all. Mary Pat can't work this DISH I have, it's time for me to step in.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
1998.
I never feel interesting enough to make my life public. This just felt like the thing to do. I'm the bandwagon type, obviously.
I have 4 months left of college, let's do some documentin'!
I shared some stories and a few of my 12-year-old self's journal entries with a best friend the other night. I immediately began feeling so bad for that poor girl. I would write poems about marrying aliens and how much I thought my father was disappointed in me. When I say I was "feeling bad" for myself at the age of 12, I really mean I was laughing my ass of at how lonely, weird, slightly eclectic and different I really was. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I am going to find that alien poem & post it here the second I get a chance. It may be the best piece of work I (or anyone else, for that fact) have ever done.
I'm gonna stop. I just don't like empty spaces.
I have 4 months left of college, let's do some documentin'!
I shared some stories and a few of my 12-year-old self's journal entries with a best friend the other night. I immediately began feeling so bad for that poor girl. I would write poems about marrying aliens and how much I thought my father was disappointed in me. When I say I was "feeling bad" for myself at the age of 12, I really mean I was laughing my ass of at how lonely, weird, slightly eclectic and different I really was. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but I am going to find that alien poem & post it here the second I get a chance. It may be the best piece of work I (or anyone else, for that fact) have ever done.
I'm gonna stop. I just don't like empty spaces.
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