in three's.

I will never understand how God works. All I want is to know exactly why he choses the people he does to leave us. It's been absolutely boggling my mind for the past 2 days now. I couldn't even have a little fun last night because it was all I could think about. My thinking in no way effects the way I feel about Him, however. I just wish I knew. I guess some things are better not knowing, though.

I get a text late Thursday night from my childhood best friend Sabrina. We reconnected a few months ago, which I am very thankful for. She was telling me about her family--how grownup her little sister Jessica is & how her brother Clay got married & had a baby. Then she tells me about Clay's cancer. See, I am usually the most optimistic person in the world. I pray & pray & know God will always do the right thing. Well, Clay's cancer was bad. Terrible, actually. Stage 4. So, I look at my phone this morning & see the news I was dreading.

21 years old. He left behind a wife, 1 year old boy, friends & a family who loved him so much. 21 years old. All I want to do is drive to Murfreesboro & be with them all, but I know nothing I do will help the way they all feel right now. I've felt it before, I know. Anytime I would laugh or just smile at work yesterday, Clay would immediately pop back into my mind. I don't understand.

Last night, I get a text from a friend that says "Just got some bad news so we're kinda down." Nothing good ever comes from that. It was Keith. One of the most genuinely nice people I have ever met in my whole life. Always chill, always smiling. Then the questions started again. I actually fell asleep last night on my bedroom floor, lights on, fully clothed, crying... not because I was too drunk to get up (which is usually the case), but I couldn't make myself live my life for that moment. I had to think. I had to lay there in silence & think. I don't understand.

They always say bad things happen in 3's... now I'm going to wander around today on my toes, scared of any phonecall or text I get. I've got a busy couple of days ahead of me. I shouldn't live my life in fear.

All I can do is continue to pray for everybody involved in these two boy's lives. I'll continue to question His ways, but eventually realize that He knows what He's doing, whether we like it or not.

I don't like going a day without telling the people I love how much I love them anways. This just strengthens that. I LOVE you all. More than you'll know, probably.