the man that got away.

The night is bitter
The stars have lost their glitter
The winds grow colder
And suddenly you're older
And all because of the man that got away.

No more his eager call
The writing's on the wall
The dreams you dreamed have all
gone astray.

The man that won you
Has gone off and undone you.
That great beginning
Has seen the final inning.
Don't know what happened. It's all a crazy game.

No more that all time thrill
For you've been through the mill
And never a new love will
be the same.

Good riddance, goodbye!
Every trick of his you're on to
But fools will be fools
And where's he gone to?

The road gets rougher
It's lonelier and tougher.
With hope you burn up
Tomorrow he may turn up
There's just no let up the live-long night and day.

Ever since this world began
There is nothing sadder than
A one-man woman looking for
The man that got away...
The man that got away.
-Jeff Buckley

Decent week. Decent weekend. Besides the 2 day saga of my power getting cut off (which makes me even more thankful for my bff & her giant bed) & the current saga of our Dish being f'ed up BY the stupid CDE people (causing me to only be able to watch the Science Channel, the Game Show Network, QVC, & some channel called FNL), nothing too exciting has happened. Friday night I had a typical "Maggie" night. I'd go into more details if I knew what they were. Last night, Mary Pat decided to share her evil depression with me which caused us to stop drinking our sorrows & go to Kelly's Big Burger where we proceeded to eat our sorrows. And today, Mary Pat, her sister Hannah & I laid on a float for literally the entire day. Needless to say, I'm the reddest person ever. I used to love being burnt when I was little. Probably because Mom had so much pity on me & would lotion me up & bring me stuff haha. I was already plenty burnt from being at the pool all day w/ Britt on Saturday, but today I just decided to cancer myself up. Those bank ladies are gonna have a hay-day with this!

I wanna steal MP's new kitten. End of story.

Oh, & I would like to put this out there... huge congrats to NEARZA :) I love you both & am so exciteddddddddddd!

This was irrelevant. I want another tattoo even though my last one almost killed me. I'm running out of places to hide them.

a lot of moving.

Is there someone you are completely tangled up in?
- Not completely. There is somebody I need to talk to because, as we all know, I wear my heart on my sleeve & can't NOT tell somebody how I feel, even if I'm not sure how I feel. Does that makes sense?

What do you daydream about the most?
- Money? I like money.

If you could run away to any place, where would you go?
- Mary Pat & I are planning our escape to Charleston, SC. Don't ask.

How often is your smile fake?
- I can't smile & not mean it. I tried earlier today when I asked some rude gay guy if I could help him & he looked at me & said "Uh, I don't know you. I know her. Sorry." ... everybody kept saying "That's just how he is" & I would reply with... well, my reply wasn't very nice. Let's just say, I was taken aback by the pure lack of manners & human decency of this guy. I've been there 2 weeks, guy. Of course you don't know me.

Is there anything/​​anyone you're losing faith in?
- Not really... cause for every 1 asshole I meet on a daily basis, there are about 3-4 really nice, genuine people to makeup for them. The pricks sometimes overshadow them, but I'm learning to look past that.

When was the last time you completely broke down?
- Ooh, I don't know. Completely would have to be a little bit after we got back from Spring Break. It got ugly.

Who can make or break your day?
- Just people.

What do you do during a thunderstorm?
- If it's not bad, then I either enjoy it or sleep. If it gets intense, I cry, pray & check the weather a lot haha

Is there any song right now that could make you cry?
- There's always a couple that do it for me all the time. I try not to listen to those.

Are you addicted to anything?
- Salt & cheese?

Would you rather write a paper or give a speech?
- Write a paper, any day of the week.

How many piercings do you have?
- 2.

What is your biggest regret?
- None. Those of you who know me well (which would be all of you, I assume... if not, that's strange) probably think I should have millions. I probably should. That won't help anything though.

Describe your favorite shirt?
- Hmm... I'm gonna go w/ my Ryan Adam's shirt (black w/ the red Cardinology rose on it)

Are you lying to yourself about something?
- I'm pretty realistic with myself. I had a very vocal convo with myself in the WalMart parking lot a few days ago, actually.

Yellow fingernail polish: yes or no?
- Yes.

What is your dog's name?
- I do not own one of those.

Are you going to lose some of you're friends nest year?
- I don't have any bird friends, sir.

Is it hard for you to be happy for someone else?
- No.

Would you rather go camping or spend a day at the spa?
- Uh, spa. I like those backrubz.

Chicken or beef?
- Chicken & beef & beer.

Do you like to wear formal wear?
- Yes.

Do you like pale or bright colors more?
- I like all colors. Mainly bright.

Have you ever been so hurt that you wanted to stop feeling completely?
- Gosh yes. I can never express that feeling.

Have you ever taken a long trip alone?
- No more than 3 hours.

Is there a specific moment you can replay in your mind perfectly?
- My memory isn't that horrible. Yes.

Has an ex ever wanted you back after they left you?
- Yes.

Do you leave your feelings unspoken?
- Rarely... & I probably should.

Do you think there are different kinds of pain?
- Oh yeah. I'm a master at all of them.

Name something good that happened today?
- Hmm... Well, work was good I suppose. My Subway had plenty of cheese on it, as did the ham & cheese sandwich I made for dinner.

What did you do yesterday in detail?
- Made breakfast for lunch, went to MP's & layed out for about 30 minutes before the rain, then we proceeded to lay on the couch ALL day watching the Jon & Kate Plus 8 marathon, napping & facebooking. Memorial Day.

Has anyone told you they missed you lately?
- Yep.

Was yesterday better than today?
- They were too different.

What do you regret most this week?
- It's only Tuesday. Knock on wood I won't be regretting anything anytime soon.

Do you talk a lot?
- Oh that really depends... sometimes I can't stop.

Did you cry today?
- Nope.

Where were you at 8 this morning?
- Work.

Have you ever been rude to someone without even realizing it?
- I'm sure.

Have you ever thought your inner organs were failing?
- My throat feels like it's about to explode.

If you could change some of the past without changing the future would you?
- What sense would that make?

Are you single?
- More than ever... if that even makes sense. I have absolutely no ties to anyone for the first time in over a year.

Who was the last guy you hugged?
- Probably somebody Saturday night.

Have you done something stupid to get a guy's/girl's attention?
- Get blackout, cause I thought that was the only way I could talk to guys for a long time. That ended up with me making out with every male at Austin Peay.

When you were in elementary school, did you change best friends a lot?
- No. I can't remember that far back, really haha

What was the last movie you watched?
- Some creepy movie on Lifetime. I know, I know.

Does it annoy you when people say they'll call but never do?
- Depends on who it is. I don't much like the phone.

Could you go a month without cursing?
- I wanna try. I don't think it's possible, as sad as that is. I hate cussing, it's SO unattractive.

What did you do this Spring Break?
- Do we need to ask this? I went balls to the wall, basically.

How's your heart lately?
- It's in there. I shall kill it with salt soon enough.

What will you do after this?
- After I peel my lettuce for our work cookout tomorrow, probably sleep.

What was the last tv show you watched?
- The OC.

Do you own a piece of clothing with your school name on it?
- Lots of it. Well, my former school... shoot.

Last person to take a picture with?
- My camera says it's Jessica.

How many letters are in your last name?
- 5.

Is there a girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
- Yes.

What are you currently listening to?
- The Avett Bros. They remind me of little Cale & I miss that kid.

When is the last time someone of the opposite sex gave you a hug?
- Saturday night I guess.

Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
- Female. Gotta love that teller line!

are friends electric?

I wish every day was a member of the weekend.

I have this wisdom tooth that I do believe is trying to break free of my gums & run off to cause misery to millions of others besides myself. I thought all mine were in & settled, but man was I wrong. It hurts & it's causing flu-like symptoms in the rest of my body. I'm les mis, to sum it up.

I keep singing the theme song of the Dolly Parton film "9 to 5", but am having to change the words to "Working 8 to 5 with a 1 hour lunch break, what a way to make a livin'."... it's not quite as catchy. Anyways, I still like my job a lot. Probably more than I should. I come home too exhuasted to do anything (hense why no one has recieved a "thank you" note from me yet... I swear it's on my agenda for the week!). This tooth situation forced me to come home, binge eat, binge nap, binge finish Eclipse, & binge blog. After this, I will binge Nyquil & binge sleep. I wish Dad would give me my graduation present (my kitten) so I wouldn't be so lonley when I got home! That's the saddest sentence I've ever said. But really, I haven't had a roommate in about 2 weeks. It's not so bad play-living-by-yourself, just kinda sad. I promise this isn't a pity party, I just have nothing else of relivance to talk about.

What's strange to me is, well, me. I am strange. A month ago, I was all he wanted. Although I in no way wanted him back, just knowing he's with somebody else is only a half-relief. I stopped talking to him because I knew he wasn't right for me. He (finally) stopped talking to me because he found somebody else. That's a guy for ya, I guess. I hope she's a good girl. I hope she can put up with him & change him like I just couldn't bring myself to do anymore. It gets exhausting.

Then there's the "best friend" who I may have to cut the friendship off with if some things don't change... such as him being TRASHED & pretending to be ok so he makes sure he gets me home to my apt "safely" & nobody else... then proceeding to almost wreck about 4-5 times & almost run a redlight. That was the latest incident in many. It's getting ridiculous how he acts & nothing I say will make him backoff. If it comes to the point where we cannot be friends, then it will have to come to that point. He put both of our safety on the line for selfish reasons & that is NOT ok. I do love him with all of my heart, but will never see him in that light. I thought he knew that, but certain things continue to happen to show me that isn't the case.

I'll stop. Goodnight, world. Let's hope I wakeup toothless.

because.

Because all I do with my days now is work, eat, & catch up on my tv (thank the gods for DVR), I've decided I should blog more often.

I adore my new job. Adore it. The only problem I have (which is kind of a big one & will become bigger) is the woman who will become my head teller when the new branch opens in June. I've never been so automatically annoyed by anyone in my life. I don't even wanna get into it. I'm just thankful everybody I work with feels the same way. Once the new branch opens, it will just be me, her, Yolanda (who I love), & a part-timer at Wilma Rudolph... at least I have Yo to keep me sane, cause this woman is unbearable. That was my rant for the day.

Courtni's been in Chicago since Saturday. I didn't mind having the apt to myself until 5 minutes ago when I was washing my face & heard a noise. The walls are very thin so I'm positive it was Jess & Courtney next door, BUT my paranoid mind refuses to keep the water on anymore & runs into her room. My bedroom door is now shut & locked, like that'll help a lot. Gotta love Downtown Clarksy.

Tonight, a few of us headed over to the Daniel's presh house to celebrate Amanda's bday. Of course, I laughed way too much as always when I'm around those people. The Cooksey's gave me a graduation present--a "courage" angel. Mrs. Janet said it was because I kept going when I wanted to give up... I don't think she realized how true that statement is. The whole night, I would find myself just looking at everybody & soaking them in. I feel like that's so necessary to do lately. I love my friends. They have been my backbone, my family, my strength, my life, when I honestly didn't think I had any of those things left. I would never let myself truely, 100% tell them how they've saved my life, but they have. I wouldn't be here today. I've never admitted that before. Well, there ya go.

By the by, happy birthday Manderz :)

Is it sad that the main reason I feel like I'm never going to meet anybody is because I'm not in college anymore? Dear Maggie, it's obvious that you weren't having much luck finding a soul mate IN college so calm the hell down. Love, Maggie. I just had to get that out of my system.

Make this week go by faster. I'm gonna read my stories & hit the hay. So old. Love love.

in three's.

I will never understand how God works. All I want is to know exactly why he choses the people he does to leave us. It's been absolutely boggling my mind for the past 2 days now. I couldn't even have a little fun last night because it was all I could think about. My thinking in no way effects the way I feel about Him, however. I just wish I knew. I guess some things are better not knowing, though.

I get a text late Thursday night from my childhood best friend Sabrina. We reconnected a few months ago, which I am very thankful for. She was telling me about her family--how grownup her little sister Jessica is & how her brother Clay got married & had a baby. Then she tells me about Clay's cancer. See, I am usually the most optimistic person in the world. I pray & pray & know God will always do the right thing. Well, Clay's cancer was bad. Terrible, actually. Stage 4. So, I look at my phone this morning & see the news I was dreading.

21 years old. He left behind a wife, 1 year old boy, friends & a family who loved him so much. 21 years old. All I want to do is drive to Murfreesboro & be with them all, but I know nothing I do will help the way they all feel right now. I've felt it before, I know. Anytime I would laugh or just smile at work yesterday, Clay would immediately pop back into my mind. I don't understand.

Last night, I get a text from a friend that says "Just got some bad news so we're kinda down." Nothing good ever comes from that. It was Keith. One of the most genuinely nice people I have ever met in my whole life. Always chill, always smiling. Then the questions started again. I actually fell asleep last night on my bedroom floor, lights on, fully clothed, crying... not because I was too drunk to get up (which is usually the case), but I couldn't make myself live my life for that moment. I had to think. I had to lay there in silence & think. I don't understand.

They always say bad things happen in 3's... now I'm going to wander around today on my toes, scared of any phonecall or text I get. I've got a busy couple of days ahead of me. I shouldn't live my life in fear.

All I can do is continue to pray for everybody involved in these two boy's lives. I'll continue to question His ways, but eventually realize that He knows what He's doing, whether we like it or not.

I don't like going a day without telling the people I love how much I love them anways. This just strengthens that. I LOVE you all. More than you'll know, probably.

I got what I got

It's been less than a week since everything changed. I, personally, think I'm handling it quite well.

I'm really sorry I don't blog as often as I should/I'd like. There are some nights I sit here for hours writing & always end up deleting the whole thing. That actually happens 9x's out of 10. So, forgive.

Last week was just amazing/bittersweet/happy/sad/drunken/surreal. I never thought I'd walk across that stage. I walked mainly to prove it to myself. Not to anybody else. I remember thinking my first year of college that I wouldn't make it through. I remember thinking that school just wasn't for me--I wasn't great in it in high school, so what made me think I'd be great in it further along? Well, I was right about one thing: I definitely wasn't great at it by any means. BUT I didn't give up. Wanna know why? I bet you know why. It has something to do with that little gold locket I like to wear on occasion.

Did Jordin Sparks win AI last year? I could have swore thats what Ryan just said. I am only half listening to him. This song sounds just like that Jennifer Hudson song. I like how I'm acting like everybody is watching this, too. ANSWER ME! Really, though... who won last year? Did I watch it last year? Sorry.

Anways.

Graduation day was a day to remember, I'll tell you that. Lauren & I walked to the Dunn in the rain only to be forced into a crammed tunnel because of tornado warnings... for a long time. It was pretty hilar. We eventually shimmied out way into the football locker room in order to not melt to death. Well, we graduated eventually. Only a few minutes late. I texted, chewed my gum obnoxiously, scanned the crowds for my friends, just like a preschool grad. Sure I didn't have any of my family there, but I've never felt so blessed and thankful for the things I DO have than I did in the center of the Dunn that day. I got a bouquet of flowers from Ben, Carly, & The Laugeness family. I got cheers from my best friends. I got hugs from my best friends. I got texts from my family (& one from a certain Cooksey mother which... words can't describe). I can't begin to explain the joy I felt on that day.

Lauren & I had our grad party on Sunday. Once again--we have the best people in our lives. I couldn't have asked for a better time. I'm SO thankful for everything Mr. Paul, Mrs. Merrilee, my Dad & Kadie did for us. I was overcome with emotion. It was so good to see everybody, too.

SO, I became a full-time girl on Monday. I find myself eating, sleeping, & breathing money. I really do like it a lot, though! There's so much to learn & it's so easy to mess up, but I think I'll catch on eventually :) The whole 8-5 thing... well, I'll adjust. I now see why adults (I won't call myself that still) are so anxious for the weekends. I need a drink.

This was too long. My apologies. I'm too tired to proofread so ignore any mistakes till tomorrow. Night ya'll.

squidbillies.

There's so much I want to say, but so much I'm afraid to say. Everything kind of hit me late last night. Not everything by any means. One particular situation. He called. He called to tell me the same thing he's been telling me for a long time now.

"I know you've done a lot of shit. I don't care. Please be with me."

"Please." This is the boy that made me cry consistantly from this time last year to sometime last semester. This is the boy that talked to me like a dog, made me feel like I was never good enough or pretty enough, left me in his backseat in the middle of the night bawling, & countless other things. He's the reason I started drinking myself stupid in the first place... then it just became a bad habit. He's the reason I'd go on searches for prescription pills, strictly to help me not think about what he did to me.

& he's changed, yes. But he's not what I want anymore.

I saw my Dad's side of the family for the first time in about 8 years on Friday for my Grandpa's 79th birthday. It was nice. Very humbling. I see a lot of myself in my Aunt Judy & that's not a bad thing.

T-minus 5 days till graduation. Amanda, piss off. You're still a Cooksey & you will clap your hands for me!

I literally just chugged a Cherry Coke in order to stay awake to study for my final in the morning. If you know me at all, you're aware of the fact that even a little bit of caffeine will keep me up all night so this could be bad. Wish me luck!

I start my big girl job next Monday. Full time teller at Cumberland Bank & Trust. I'm pretty much ready to stop being such a college girl. I need to get it together. I think this is gonna help me a lot. Therapy probably would, too.