1. I woke up this morning, showered, moseyed into the kitchen for water & noticed the kitchen candle I lit to remove the smell of burnt bacon had been lit all night. Why I shouldn't live by myself: I not only almost burn my apt down whilst makin' bacon, I also sleep with a candle burning all night.
2. SO excited about babygirl Baggett :) Congrats, Nearza!!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
& this one isn't exciting, either.
I'm waiting for my laundry to dry. That laundry room should be condemned. Terrifying.
Work is turning me into a paranoid-schizophrenic. Can I become friends with someone higher up or are they plotting against me? Will everything I say be twisted & misconstrued to make me look like a terrible person/employee? Who, exactly, can I trust? Am I still in middle school?
I can be just as sneaky. Don't worry. I'm just afraid of who I'm working for. This week has been full of changes & drama like you wouldn't believe. The higher-ups screwing over people. Some of the shadiest deals I've ever seen (& I watch A LOT of tv.) People are coniving. Trying to constantly get into your head. Seriously, I can't go into detail, but I wish I could explain this.
"Do not let work roll over into your LIFE."
That's good advice I'm having trouble taking. Seeing as I'm there, with the same people day in & day out, 40 hours a week. I see them more than I see anybody. I'm there more than I'm home. I talk to my customers more than I talk to my friends. It makes me wonder if I even really have a life anymore.
And also makes me wonder if this is worth it. Every paycheck I get is gone at least 2 days after I get it. I have a single digit amount of money to last me until the 1st. Is this worth it? When I could maybe be living at home, saving money, paying back my debts I can't pay because everything I have goes to my current bills... This is kinda like torture. I try to see it as a game. It makes the pre-paycheck days go by faster. Just another one of His tests. I can get through this. I just feel so helpless. Weak. I can't fail.
I miss how everything used to be. I hear children outside my door. I hope I don't drop my laundry basket on them.
Work is turning me into a paranoid-schizophrenic. Can I become friends with someone higher up or are they plotting against me? Will everything I say be twisted & misconstrued to make me look like a terrible person/employee? Who, exactly, can I trust? Am I still in middle school?
I can be just as sneaky. Don't worry. I'm just afraid of who I'm working for. This week has been full of changes & drama like you wouldn't believe. The higher-ups screwing over people. Some of the shadiest deals I've ever seen (& I watch A LOT of tv.) People are coniving. Trying to constantly get into your head. Seriously, I can't go into detail, but I wish I could explain this.
"Do not let work roll over into your LIFE."
That's good advice I'm having trouble taking. Seeing as I'm there, with the same people day in & day out, 40 hours a week. I see them more than I see anybody. I'm there more than I'm home. I talk to my customers more than I talk to my friends. It makes me wonder if I even really have a life anymore.
And also makes me wonder if this is worth it. Every paycheck I get is gone at least 2 days after I get it. I have a single digit amount of money to last me until the 1st. Is this worth it? When I could maybe be living at home, saving money, paying back my debts I can't pay because everything I have goes to my current bills... This is kinda like torture. I try to see it as a game. It makes the pre-paycheck days go by faster. Just another one of His tests. I can get through this. I just feel so helpless. Weak. I can't fail.
I miss how everything used to be. I hear children outside my door. I hope I don't drop my laundry basket on them.
Friday, August 7, 2009
pain.
This is something I go through all the time. I hurt for myself, yes, but in all honesty, I hurt for the people I love more than myself.
As terrible as this is about to sound, I'm willing to say it--I forget what has happened to me fairly often. On the anniversary of her death (I don't like using the word "anniversary" in this case, that seems too pleasing, but I don't feel like thesaurus.comming anything right now), the main reason I was upset whatsoever is that I felt like nobody remembered her. Sure, it shouldn't take a day like that for people to remember, but I get scared. I forget SO much, I can't handle other people forgetting her. I need my family to tell me stories about her. Things I wasn't there for, things I can't remember... I NEED that. Yes, I was 16 when I lost her. I should remember everything. I just can't remember what it was like with her. Nothing makes me more upset than that. All I could think about on the 5th was "I wonder if Dad remembers what today is? I wonder if Eric remembers what today is?" ... because that is one day I will never be able to forget. That is the ONE day I want to forget. That day more than her funeral, more than when I found out Granny died (which almost ties for 2nd because Lord knows how much I miss that woman. I won't even get into that), more than any other day in my whole entire life. That is the one day I want to be able to Back to the Future & fix. Fix how? I have no idea.
"... what if she could have just gotten past THAT day?" What if we could have survived that day? What if we could have gotten her to a better hospital? Was it too late already?
This is too much, I'm sorry I'm putting ya'll through this haha
So, what really brought this on was Amanda-- Do not ever, ever, ever think I'm stronger than you. We hurt the same. And I'm not as strong as I seem, trust me. Don't make my pain sound worse than yours. It is not, by any means. Your Grandaddy was someone you adore. Mary Pat's Patpaw was someone she adored. I love you both with all of my heart for having the strength you have because I know how it is. Pain is pain. I always pray that my friends never have to hurt, but it is an inevitable part of life. We have some badass guardian angels. We'll say they're all playing Spades & checkers & being very thankful we were blessed with friends to help us through things like this.
Can ya'll believe it's been 6 years since we were squeezing on the couch of the funeral home taking pictures?? That was so appropriate haha
I miss those two woman every single day. Every second of every day. I can't stop my life when I'm hurting. I'll see them again. I'm blessed to have gotten them for as long as I did.
As terrible as this is about to sound, I'm willing to say it--I forget what has happened to me fairly often. On the anniversary of her death (I don't like using the word "anniversary" in this case, that seems too pleasing, but I don't feel like thesaurus.comming anything right now), the main reason I was upset whatsoever is that I felt like nobody remembered her. Sure, it shouldn't take a day like that for people to remember, but I get scared. I forget SO much, I can't handle other people forgetting her. I need my family to tell me stories about her. Things I wasn't there for, things I can't remember... I NEED that. Yes, I was 16 when I lost her. I should remember everything. I just can't remember what it was like with her. Nothing makes me more upset than that. All I could think about on the 5th was "I wonder if Dad remembers what today is? I wonder if Eric remembers what today is?" ... because that is one day I will never be able to forget. That is the ONE day I want to forget. That day more than her funeral, more than when I found out Granny died (which almost ties for 2nd because Lord knows how much I miss that woman. I won't even get into that), more than any other day in my whole entire life. That is the one day I want to be able to Back to the Future & fix. Fix how? I have no idea.
"... what if she could have just gotten past THAT day?" What if we could have survived that day? What if we could have gotten her to a better hospital? Was it too late already?
This is too much, I'm sorry I'm putting ya'll through this haha
So, what really brought this on was Amanda-- Do not ever, ever, ever think I'm stronger than you. We hurt the same. And I'm not as strong as I seem, trust me. Don't make my pain sound worse than yours. It is not, by any means. Your Grandaddy was someone you adore. Mary Pat's Patpaw was someone she adored. I love you both with all of my heart for having the strength you have because I know how it is. Pain is pain. I always pray that my friends never have to hurt, but it is an inevitable part of life. We have some badass guardian angels. We'll say they're all playing Spades & checkers & being very thankful we were blessed with friends to help us through things like this.
Can ya'll believe it's been 6 years since we were squeezing on the couch of the funeral home taking pictures?? That was so appropriate haha
I miss those two woman every single day. Every second of every day. I can't stop my life when I'm hurting. I'll see them again. I'm blessed to have gotten them for as long as I did.
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