I think this ridiculously random weekend is exactly what I needed. I needed to go places where I knew he wouldn't be (which was beginning to seem impossible), be with people I'm not used to being around, talk to strangers, drink too much, you know. It was fun. So random, but fun. And necessary. Fun & random & necessary. Why am I still typing? Anyways.
These next few weeks of school may literally be the death of me. I don't even want to get into everything I have to do. Everything's due. Projects, presentations, term papers, tests, quiz after quiz after quiz. THEN I can graduate. They always pile it on the last month. Jerks.
So, my spirits have been better. He's unavoidable, but I've dealt with worse situations. I've come to terms with the fact that I made this mistake & have to move on. I apologized, I said my piece & this is how things turn out. I sometime lose sight of how strong I am because I rarely feel that I actually am strong. Once again, everybody loses their way on occasion. This past month, I definitely lost sight of who I am & who I want to be. I'll be that better person eventually.
I have amazing friends & a family who would do anything for me (although I'm too stubborn to ever really ask for help... I know I'd get it). Everything will work itself out. There's no happy medium when it comes to time. I feel like everything's going at lighting speed (top 2 gayest things I've said today), but when it comes to mental time (healing, bettering, you get it)... it takes way too long. Dear time: give me money & make me happy. Love, Maggie. I'm not even making sense anymore. Let's nap.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
stealing a car for moe.
I have trouble finding the time to sit here & think long enough to actually write down anything of substance that won't either upset me or bore you. So, my lack of blogging is not for selfish reasons.
Spring Break was amazing. The after effects, not so much. I won't get into it. It's almost mind-numbing how one night can change so much--your happiness, your view of yourself, make you finally question why you make certain choices (whether you remember said choices or not). Because there isn't anything I can do to fix what I've done, all I can do is work on bettering myself & forgetting him. I'm so used to open-minded, non-judgemental people. I expected to chat about it & move on (& not in the sense that I'm being forced to do).
Who hasn't had a few bad days here & there? I know everything will blow over.--the money, the slight pain, the never-ending schoolwork. I keep my head up. I pray more than someone who lives the life I live probably SHOULD pray... or maybe I'm the type that should be praying more than those who follow Him properly. Is there a proper way to follow Him? Am I getting way off topic? It's my blog. Plus, one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons is on. Who can be upset at a time like this?!
Courtni has become all too familiar with my new motto: "I need all the physical pain possible to take away the emotional pain." All I want to do is run around Downtown Clarksville until we've passed the same homeless man a good 10 times. I lift until I cry, I've got bruises all over myself from straining, it hurts to sleep, but this is how I get better. I hate times like this--the times when it's hard to see exactly what makes life SO perfect, exciting, fun, etc. "Time heals everything." I know that more than anybody. I guess I needed this time to actually step back for a second & realize that I do need to grow up.
It was Spring Break, though (haha)
Good people do stupid things. Good people are judged for those stupid things & often not looked at as good people. Those people who judge should never cross my mind again, though. The people who know & love me are all that matter. Those who never take the time to know me... well, I guess it's fate that I never got to know them either.
On a happy note, I'm going to need addresses asap cause THIS girl is graduating! Happy note = scared to death. I'm putting everything in God's hands now (along with a little hard work on my part). I'm ready to have a goal. I realized the other day that it's been a long time since I really, really worked hard for something. I want a nice little job. I want to study so hard for my GMAT next semester & get into grad school. I want my MBA. I never in a million years thought I'd be the girl graduating college, much less looking forward to grad school. I've always been the average student. I've always been ok with that. I've made it through college by the skin of my teeth... but I made it, right?? Let's look on the bright side :)
I should write a newspaper article... "22 & Single". It's not as fun as it sounds.
Spring Break was amazing. The after effects, not so much. I won't get into it. It's almost mind-numbing how one night can change so much--your happiness, your view of yourself, make you finally question why you make certain choices (whether you remember said choices or not). Because there isn't anything I can do to fix what I've done, all I can do is work on bettering myself & forgetting him. I'm so used to open-minded, non-judgemental people. I expected to chat about it & move on (& not in the sense that I'm being forced to do).
Who hasn't had a few bad days here & there? I know everything will blow over.--the money, the slight pain, the never-ending schoolwork. I keep my head up. I pray more than someone who lives the life I live probably SHOULD pray... or maybe I'm the type that should be praying more than those who follow Him properly. Is there a proper way to follow Him? Am I getting way off topic? It's my blog. Plus, one of my favorite episodes of The Simpsons is on. Who can be upset at a time like this?!
Courtni has become all too familiar with my new motto: "I need all the physical pain possible to take away the emotional pain." All I want to do is run around Downtown Clarksville until we've passed the same homeless man a good 10 times. I lift until I cry, I've got bruises all over myself from straining, it hurts to sleep, but this is how I get better. I hate times like this--the times when it's hard to see exactly what makes life SO perfect, exciting, fun, etc. "Time heals everything." I know that more than anybody. I guess I needed this time to actually step back for a second & realize that I do need to grow up.
It was Spring Break, though (haha)
Good people do stupid things. Good people are judged for those stupid things & often not looked at as good people. Those people who judge should never cross my mind again, though. The people who know & love me are all that matter. Those who never take the time to know me... well, I guess it's fate that I never got to know them either.
On a happy note, I'm going to need addresses asap cause THIS girl is graduating! Happy note = scared to death. I'm putting everything in God's hands now (along with a little hard work on my part). I'm ready to have a goal. I realized the other day that it's been a long time since I really, really worked hard for something. I want a nice little job. I want to study so hard for my GMAT next semester & get into grad school. I want my MBA. I never in a million years thought I'd be the girl graduating college, much less looking forward to grad school. I've always been the average student. I've always been ok with that. I've made it through college by the skin of my teeth... but I made it, right?? Let's look on the bright side :)
I should write a newspaper article... "22 & Single". It's not as fun as it sounds.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
slimquick.
Sometimes we do things to ourselves subconsiously, maybe because we think we don't deserve happiness or anything good in life. I'll change "we" to "me" & this will all make more sense.
I'm still amazed when I see good in people & it shouldn't be that way. A good deed should not shock anyone. It's so sad that it does. And it's so sad that I think I don't deserve the good deed to be done toward me. This is a purely psychological thing that will never fix itself, just hear me out. We had a purse party at the store on Saturday. Ms. Danette came in, took the wallet I was going to buy for myself & bought it for me. Why? Because she said she just had the feeling that that's what she needed to do. That isn't something I can argue with. That random act of kindness made my day--maybe my month--maybe even my year up to this point. The simplicity of her buying a gift for me out of the goodness of her heart made me cry. Why did I deserve that wallet? Why did I deserve that amazing woman to have the "feeling" sent to her when she laid eyes on me?
I hate that I feel like I don't deserve random acts of kindness. Everybody does.
I pray every single night to be a better person. There's just something in my brain that, no matter how good of a person, friend, daughter, sister, etc., I may be, I will never feel adequite.
So, let me tell you exactly where this somber, somewhat depressing post is coming from--I'm blaiming it 100% on diet pills. Here goes THIS story:
So, yes, I've lost a lot of weight. Up to this point, I've done it in the healthiest of ways. Well, this girl plans a trip to PCB for her first Spring Break ever & 2 weeks before we go, decides that the best way to knock off those last 5 pounds to reach my goal is to invest in diet pills. That's right--THE Margaret Duerr, avid maker-funner of any type of dieting aide, has been taking diet pills for almost 2 weeks. Let's continue:
Week 2, the directions are to bump up the dosage. So, I do. There goes my sleep. There goes my appetite (almost 100%...creepy). Here comes this eerie increase in my heart rate. AND, the main point of all of this, here comes this depression. This is my blog so I'll reveal what I want!
I couldn't put my finger on exactly what's been wrong with me these past few days. I was SO excited about Spring Break, but that deminished totally out of nowhere. I met this guy who is completely out of this world, but all I can do is overanalyze everything & constantly question what he sees in me. I haven't been able to stay excited or happy about anything. Well, wandering around Wal-Mart this afternoon, it dawned on me... diet pills. Can diet pills cause depression? Yeah, we've all had our self-loathing days. I've been upset & depressed & all that jazz in the past, but I actually had a valid reason.
Let's Google this, like I do most things. "SlimQuick, depression"
"...may cause nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness and occasionally, rapid heart beat."
Hmm... checkmate. Ask me how much I've slept in the past 4 days. My answer is about a total of 5 hours. Last night was 1 of them. I'm running on empty right now. God has a very odd way of showing us when we're being total dumbasses. I love Him for it cause He knows me well enough to know that I'm gonna do what I want & if wanting to slit my wrists (once again, that's a little extreme. Just go with it) for no apparent reason is how I have to learn this lesson then so be it.
I'm at the healthiest weight I've been at since I was about 19. I may not look exactly like I want to, but shit... very few people do. I'll be with my friends. I'll be on the beach. So, I went to the gym tonight, kicked my ass like I always do, & came home to eat. It was a great change of pace. I ate & ate & ate just for the pure joy of saying "fuck you, diet pills. I'll lose those 5lbs after Spring Break (along with the extra 20lbs I'm sure I'll put on while I'm there)."
There's not a damn thing wrong with my life. I've prayed & prayed for days now to stop feeling this way... I just had to be knocked in the head one good time to realize I've actually been doing this to myself. Kind of a relief, kind of makes me feel stupid. I guess it happens.
In conclusion, I caved in. I became the girl I never wanted to be--obsessed with my size. I became the girl that would call her friends after not hearing from this guy for less than a day saying "I knew it wouldn't last long. It's ok, I'll get over it." (really, me?? I'm the LAST girl on earth who's ever been like that). I just totally turned my back on myself. I turned my back on my morals (despite popular belief, I DO have those). Sure it was only for about a week, but I've never turned my back on a soul. I've never been the most confident person ever, but even with that issue I've never even turned my back on myself like I did.
You live, you learn. I found $18 in the dryer. That's gotta be a good sign. I'll blog more. I love you, friends.
I'm still amazed when I see good in people & it shouldn't be that way. A good deed should not shock anyone. It's so sad that it does. And it's so sad that I think I don't deserve the good deed to be done toward me. This is a purely psychological thing that will never fix itself, just hear me out. We had a purse party at the store on Saturday. Ms. Danette came in, took the wallet I was going to buy for myself & bought it for me. Why? Because she said she just had the feeling that that's what she needed to do. That isn't something I can argue with. That random act of kindness made my day--maybe my month--maybe even my year up to this point. The simplicity of her buying a gift for me out of the goodness of her heart made me cry. Why did I deserve that wallet? Why did I deserve that amazing woman to have the "feeling" sent to her when she laid eyes on me?
I hate that I feel like I don't deserve random acts of kindness. Everybody does.
I pray every single night to be a better person. There's just something in my brain that, no matter how good of a person, friend, daughter, sister, etc., I may be, I will never feel adequite.
So, let me tell you exactly where this somber, somewhat depressing post is coming from--I'm blaiming it 100% on diet pills. Here goes THIS story:
So, yes, I've lost a lot of weight. Up to this point, I've done it in the healthiest of ways. Well, this girl plans a trip to PCB for her first Spring Break ever & 2 weeks before we go, decides that the best way to knock off those last 5 pounds to reach my goal is to invest in diet pills. That's right--THE Margaret Duerr, avid maker-funner of any type of dieting aide, has been taking diet pills for almost 2 weeks. Let's continue:
Week 2, the directions are to bump up the dosage. So, I do. There goes my sleep. There goes my appetite (almost 100%...creepy). Here comes this eerie increase in my heart rate. AND, the main point of all of this, here comes this depression. This is my blog so I'll reveal what I want!
I couldn't put my finger on exactly what's been wrong with me these past few days. I was SO excited about Spring Break, but that deminished totally out of nowhere. I met this guy who is completely out of this world, but all I can do is overanalyze everything & constantly question what he sees in me. I haven't been able to stay excited or happy about anything. Well, wandering around Wal-Mart this afternoon, it dawned on me... diet pills. Can diet pills cause depression? Yeah, we've all had our self-loathing days. I've been upset & depressed & all that jazz in the past, but I actually had a valid reason.
Let's Google this, like I do most things. "SlimQuick, depression"
"...may cause nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness and occasionally, rapid heart beat."
Hmm... checkmate. Ask me how much I've slept in the past 4 days. My answer is about a total of 5 hours. Last night was 1 of them. I'm running on empty right now. God has a very odd way of showing us when we're being total dumbasses. I love Him for it cause He knows me well enough to know that I'm gonna do what I want & if wanting to slit my wrists (once again, that's a little extreme. Just go with it) for no apparent reason is how I have to learn this lesson then so be it.
I'm at the healthiest weight I've been at since I was about 19. I may not look exactly like I want to, but shit... very few people do. I'll be with my friends. I'll be on the beach. So, I went to the gym tonight, kicked my ass like I always do, & came home to eat. It was a great change of pace. I ate & ate & ate just for the pure joy of saying "fuck you, diet pills. I'll lose those 5lbs after Spring Break (along with the extra 20lbs I'm sure I'll put on while I'm there)."
There's not a damn thing wrong with my life. I've prayed & prayed for days now to stop feeling this way... I just had to be knocked in the head one good time to realize I've actually been doing this to myself. Kind of a relief, kind of makes me feel stupid. I guess it happens.
In conclusion, I caved in. I became the girl I never wanted to be--obsessed with my size. I became the girl that would call her friends after not hearing from this guy for less than a day saying "I knew it wouldn't last long. It's ok, I'll get over it." (really, me?? I'm the LAST girl on earth who's ever been like that). I just totally turned my back on myself. I turned my back on my morals (despite popular belief, I DO have those). Sure it was only for about a week, but I've never turned my back on a soul. I've never been the most confident person ever, but even with that issue I've never even turned my back on myself like I did.
You live, you learn. I found $18 in the dryer. That's gotta be a good sign. I'll blog more. I love you, friends.
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