slimquick.

Sometimes we do things to ourselves subconsiously, maybe because we think we don't deserve happiness or anything good in life. I'll change "we" to "me" & this will all make more sense.

I'm still amazed when I see good in people & it shouldn't be that way. A good deed should not shock anyone. It's so sad that it does. And it's so sad that I think I don't deserve the good deed to be done toward me. This is a purely psychological thing that will never fix itself, just hear me out. We had a purse party at the store on Saturday. Ms. Danette came in, took the wallet I was going to buy for myself & bought it for me. Why? Because she said she just had the feeling that that's what she needed to do. That isn't something I can argue with. That random act of kindness made my day--maybe my month--maybe even my year up to this point. The simplicity of her buying a gift for me out of the goodness of her heart made me cry. Why did I deserve that wallet? Why did I deserve that amazing woman to have the "feeling" sent to her when she laid eyes on me?

I hate that I feel like I don't deserve random acts of kindness. Everybody does.

I pray every single night to be a better person. There's just something in my brain that, no matter how good of a person, friend, daughter, sister, etc., I may be, I will never feel adequite.

So, let me tell you exactly where this somber, somewhat depressing post is coming from--I'm blaiming it 100% on diet pills. Here goes THIS story:

So, yes, I've lost a lot of weight. Up to this point, I've done it in the healthiest of ways. Well, this girl plans a trip to PCB for her first Spring Break ever & 2 weeks before we go, decides that the best way to knock off those last 5 pounds to reach my goal is to invest in diet pills. That's right--THE Margaret Duerr, avid maker-funner of any type of dieting aide, has been taking diet pills for almost 2 weeks. Let's continue:

Week 2, the directions are to bump up the dosage. So, I do. There goes my sleep. There goes my appetite (almost 100%...creepy). Here comes this eerie increase in my heart rate. AND, the main point of all of this, here comes this depression. This is my blog so I'll reveal what I want!

I couldn't put my finger on exactly what's been wrong with me these past few days. I was SO excited about Spring Break, but that deminished totally out of nowhere. I met this guy who is completely out of this world, but all I can do is overanalyze everything & constantly question what he sees in me. I haven't been able to stay excited or happy about anything. Well, wandering around Wal-Mart this afternoon, it dawned on me... diet pills. Can diet pills cause depression? Yeah, we've all had our self-loathing days. I've been upset & depressed & all that jazz in the past, but I actually had a valid reason.

Let's Google this, like I do most things. "SlimQuick, depression"

"...may cause nervousness, irritability, sleeplessness and occasionally, rapid heart beat."

Hmm... checkmate. Ask me how much I've slept in the past 4 days. My answer is about a total of 5 hours. Last night was 1 of them. I'm running on empty right now. God has a very odd way of showing us when we're being total dumbasses. I love Him for it cause He knows me well enough to know that I'm gonna do what I want & if wanting to slit my wrists (once again, that's a little extreme. Just go with it) for no apparent reason is how I have to learn this lesson then so be it.

I'm at the healthiest weight I've been at since I was about 19. I may not look exactly like I want to, but shit... very few people do. I'll be with my friends. I'll be on the beach. So, I went to the gym tonight, kicked my ass like I always do, & came home to eat. It was a great change of pace. I ate & ate & ate just for the pure joy of saying "fuck you, diet pills. I'll lose those 5lbs after Spring Break (along with the extra 20lbs I'm sure I'll put on while I'm there)."

There's not a damn thing wrong with my life. I've prayed & prayed for days now to stop feeling this way... I just had to be knocked in the head one good time to realize I've actually been doing this to myself. Kind of a relief, kind of makes me feel stupid. I guess it happens.

In conclusion, I caved in. I became the girl I never wanted to be--obsessed with my size. I became the girl that would call her friends after not hearing from this guy for less than a day saying "I knew it wouldn't last long. It's ok, I'll get over it." (really, me?? I'm the LAST girl on earth who's ever been like that). I just totally turned my back on myself. I turned my back on my morals (despite popular belief, I DO have those). Sure it was only for about a week, but I've never turned my back on a soul. I've never been the most confident person ever, but even with that issue I've never even turned my back on myself like I did.

You live, you learn. I found $18 in the dryer. That's gotta be a good sign. I'll blog more. I love you, friends.